What Message Are You Sending

Normally  when  you   meet   someone  you   generally   make   a determination  whether or not you will incorporate them into your life based on your overall perception of them. Then depending on what  your needs are at the time, i.e., a lover, a friend, a business partner,  a  spouse, etc., you  make a conscious decision whether or not  to  involve  them  in  that area of your life. Unfortunately, not  everyone   has  a  defined  system   in  place  on  how   they  process people  they  meet  and   subsequently  become    involve  with  them  without   first  analyzing  how  they  fit  into  their life. For simplicity sake let’s use “romantic interest” as an example.

  

It is always interesting to me when I hear people say that they are looking for a “good” man or a “good” woman. What I've found is that their definition of “good” is almost always based on what their needs are at the time and has little or nothing to do with any concrete/firm standards. In fact, the issue may be that they don’t have any set standards in place and are actually “winging it” (improvising). Men are visual beings. They see a good looking woman and they go after her. If it works out, great. If not, then on to the next. Sometimes if she is real pretty and the desire to have her far out weighs her reluctance to give him the time of day, he may up his game a bit by flaunting how much money he makes or what kind of car he drives to peak her interest.  Which leads me to another thing I found interesting - men who claim women are “gold diggers” when in fact they are the ones putting themselves out there by flaunting what they have. As a result, when they get what they wanted or attract to them - the "gold digger"; and it does not work out they blame the woman by claiming she only wanted him for his money. You think? I know you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Let me explain.

There may be tons of reasons why some men uses money as a way to entice women to look their way. The one reason I feel that is most common is that some men tend to over compensate for things when they feel they lack certain attributes. For instance a guy who knows from experience that he is not well-endowed in the love making department may often try to make up for his lack of length or thickness by incorporating some other technique like cunnilingus (oral sex) as a way of compensating. But even before they get that far he may go over and above by providing her with material things as a way to entice her into a relationship with him. Once they move to the next step of consummating the relationship, he continues to provide material things in order to keep her happy. In time, especially if he has a trail of failed relationships as a reminder, his self-esteem (confidence and satisfaction in himself) may become fragile and he may be conditioned to feeling that the only way he can attract a woman is by flaunting/enticing her with material things. Once he gets her, he now feels pressured to always provide her with material things, i.e., a nice house, car, jewelry, clothes, etc., otherwise he feels she will leave him.  Fact is he is absolutely right. Whatever he did to draw that person to him, he has to continue doing it because that is what attracted her to him and in essence, how he packaged/marketed himself.  If he stops doing it he run the risk of losing her if in fact that is all that connected them. However, had he allowed her to actually learn to love him for him and not because of the material things he provided in the beginning then their relationship would have a better chance to survive.  

Unfortunately some men feel that women only want to be with them because of their money (gold digger) and they may be right especially if they are in the habit of using money and material things as a hook to catch women. The sad thing is, based my experience, they can get blinded by that misguided belief to the point that they can’t recognize when a woman is actually interested in them just for them. Of course she has no knowledge of whether or not he is well-endowed when they met initially and she probably doesn't care. All she knows is she likes him. She just likes being around him because he stimulates her mind with interesting conversation and may motivate her to do things she had not even considered doing before meeting him. Not only that, she thinks he’s funny and charming. He has the power to make her laugh out loud when she is in his presence and when he is not around, thoughts of him evokes a smile. But because he’s so self-absorbed with trying to make money so he can feel good about himself again so he can then either try to impress her or some other female that he is interested in, he forfeits spending time with her and ends up missing out on what could have no doubt been the best relationship he ever had.

That’s just one scenario, but there are so many others. Like, the guy who may actually be financially well off and proudly puts it out there or he could be in between jobs when he meets a woman that he likes but instead of being forthcoming with his financial situation he spews out tales of what his life used to be like before he lost his job/business, before his ex-wife made off with the house, kids, and the cars, but it all sounds like it is current events. So she has no idea that he is unemployed and living with his brother or some other family member. Like the female in the previous scenario, she too may have been drawn to him because he looked like someone interesting to know. However as she engaged him in conversation she quickly realizes that he may be a "goldmine" based on what he was saying. So if in fact she is a “materialistic female” or  a "gold digger" she will continue to pursue him in hopes that she will be able to secure a relationship with him so she can be the recipient of what he said he had to offer. Either way, you can see how their actions fostered the response they got. So for either of them to then turn around and brand the woman as a “gold digger” is unfair. Don’t get me wrong, she may very well be one but she would not have succeeded if they were not an easy mark. Tell me something, if you had a $1,000 would you tape it to your forehead and walk down a crowded street, or would you leave your expensive car in a crime infested area with the keys in the ignition and not expect to get robbed?

While just about every woman dreams of having a storybook relationship complete with her very own “knight in shining armor” who will protect her and provide for her, it is not all she is looking for in a mate. Some of us also really want a partner who understands us and who makes us happy whether or not he has a huge bank roll. On the other hand, no one wants a broke man/woman but if the relationship is based on mutual affection and not just on material things the chances of it surviving, should either of their financial situation change, is very good. The point I am trying to make is this; you get what you advertise. If you chose to attract the object of your desire by flaunting/enticing them with the prospect of money and/or material things then don’t be surprised if they never learn to love you for the wonderful person you are and leaves you when you can no longer provide those things for them. Instead, why not entice them with the real you? Let them come to desire to be in your presence just because of all the wonderful things about you, i.e., your smile, your personality, sense of humor, level of intelligence, etc. Your ability to provide material things, excessive or otherwise, should be a benefit not a requirement. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i( 

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