How do you love?

When someone tells you they love you, you believe them, right? Truth is you would be hard pressed to find anyone who does not want to be loved or hear someone tell them that they loved them. But do they really love you? I’m sure there are people out there who genuinely love unconditionally, but for the masses I offer that, that is not the case. I've been in this world for a while and during that time I can honestly say that I can count the amount of people who have told me that they loved me and for whom I believed on one hand and I don’t need all of my fingers. I’ll even take it one step further and offer that not everyone who says I love you really means it and I’ll tell you why.

The word love means different things to different people. For some being able to love is dependent on their external environment, i.e., “as long as you don’t offend me or do anything to upset me, I love you.” For others their degree of love changes depending on how the object of their affection treats them. For me the ability to love is based on my belief that loving someone is giving them my utmost respect at all times coupled with my exposure to biblical principles found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 where the Apostle Paul breaks down what love looks like. He writes “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” How many of these things can you truthfully say you practice faithfully?  

As humans our basic instinct is self-preservation at all cost, i.e., to push back when pushed, to inflict pain when hurt and to lash out when attacked regardless of whom the perpetrator may be. Think of all the relationships you have in your life, i.e., friendships, marriage, significant other, children, parents, co-workers, etc., how many times have you had an argument which included the use of profanity, being called out of your name, character assassination, insulting physical appearance, dredging up past indiscretions? These behaviors are not consistent with love.  Unfortunately these behaviors have been model for us for so long that we now believe them to be the norm. I prefer to differ. Love does not hurt, does not desire to cause pain and surely does not degrade. When you truly love someone you desire only good things for them and you would not do anything to cause them pain. Selfishness, lust, and personal desires are what cause infidelity. True love is what keeps you from cheating on your spouse. It keeps you from calling them out of their name, and it makes you think twice about the consequences before you indulge in behaviors that will no doubt cause conflict in your relationships. 

When my children were growing up I would often tell them “There is nothing you can do to make me love you any more and nothing you can do to make me love you less. I love you unconditionally.” They would go on to test that statement over the years and I am happy to report that my words held true.  Sure there were times I did not like them very much, but I never stopped loving them. They now know without a shadow of a doubt that I love them unconditionally.

Statistics shows that more than 50% of all marriages in the country ends in divorce. And while society offers some valid reasons for divorce, i.e., physical/emotional abuse, infidelity, economic/financial tensions, or drug/alcohol addiction, most courts realize that there are hundreds of reasons why people may seek a divorce and thus offers an out by allowing the use of irreconcilable differences as a catch all. This however does nothing to diminish the flood of emotions or behaviors that may be fueled by the real reason for the divorce. During the course of the divorce and sometimes for years afterwards, couples may experience such emotions as anger, resentment, disgust, and yes even hate. These emotions may foster behaviors that leave a lot to be desired, including but not limited to name calling, burning/destroying clothing or other personal items, character assassination, custody battle, etc.  It's like that scene in the 1995 movie "Waiting to Exhale" when Bernadine flipped out after learning her husband was leaving her for another woman. Sadly that is a scene that is played out in many relationships. Maybe not as intense but violent outburst just the same. 

How can you profess to love someone but the minute they are no longer the object of you desire you fall out of love with them to the point where you can’t stand them? The answer – you were never in love. You were in lust. Fact is, if either one of them truly loved the other a lot of what transpired would have never come to light including the reason for the divorce. Think about it with your heart and not your head. When they took those vows to love, honor, and obey, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do them part – which part did they not understand? Nowhere in there did it say “until the first time you offend me, I’m out.” Or “I’m only here so long as you have a job and you can provide for me financially.” Seriously though, if that husband or wife loved their spouse they would not have engaged in the behavior which lead to the divorce, i.e., cheating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, created financial rift which affected the families ability to be financially stable, or subjected them to the heartache that substance abuse inevitable caused.

Moreover, when the relationship ends for whatever reason, if the husband/man loved his spouse and his children he would not fight over his spouse’s request to be able to keep the house because he would realize that it’s in the best interest of the children for them to remain in a stable environment and would gladly pay child support to ensure that their needs are met. Likewise if the wife/woman loved her spouse she would not try to keep him from seeing his children because she would realize that it is equally important for them to have a relationship with their dad to ensure stability.  She would also not try to take him to cleaners because she would understand that while he was no longer in her life, he was entitled to have a life which includes being able to take care of himself and whoever else he chose to incorporate into his life going forward. 

I am reminded of a young lady whose husband abandoned her and their minor child just shortly after they were married. It would be 14 years later before she would have the opportunity to speak with him again, but even then he offered no reason for his departure from their lives.  He only reassured her that it was nothing she did.  He would subsequently lose his life some years later. It was after his death that she learned that he was a drug addict and was living on skid row. As she reflected on the last few months she spent with him she realized that the telltale signs of his addictions were present even back then, but she was too young to recognize the signs of drug addiction so she attributed his behavior to other reasons. At the time of his death, there were still a lot she didn't know, but one thing she knew was he loved them. Why else would he have left? She took comfort in knowing that he loved her and their child enough to remove himself from their lives instead of subjecting them to the hardship his drug use would no doubt cause.  He left so that they would not suffer or witness him at his worst.  She thought of others she knew who were in similar situations and how that drug addict made their lives miserable because they stole from them as well created other unbearable situations. 

There is a lot to be said about whether or not someone means it when they say that they love you. The only way to truly know for sure is to judge it by their actions – “Actions speak louder than words, and are more to be regarded." (A.M. Davis – 1736). Does their actions also say that they love you even when they are upset? It is easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you are upset but remember, “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” (Luke 6:45) 

So the tendency to blurt out hurtful things towards the person you profess to love and then apologize later by offering that you only said/did what you said/did because you were upset at the time is small comfort to the person on the receiving end especially if it turned violent. For some reason people think you should forgive them for their bad behavior if they blame it on their mindset at the time. 

Who you are on the inside and how you really feel only gets magnified when your emotions come into play. It’s just like money. People think that money changes you - it doesn't. If you were generous/stingy before you had money, you become more generous/stingy respectively after you get money. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i(ther or someone their breath is offensive. I am not just talking  2-3 minutes 

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