The Art of Friendship

Friendships on a whole is important to our survival yet the art of friendship can be difficult for some. For most people, making friends comes as easily as walking down the street.  The challenge however becomes keeping them. Like everything else, maintaining a healthy friendship takes work. But I've found that not everyone knows how to be a friend let alone keep them for a lifetime. To be a friend one must first be a friend. 

So what does being a friend mean? Well to understand that we must first explore the word “friend”. According to Merriam-Webster a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. It further defines a “friendship” as the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends; a relationship between friends. So based on this basic definition one can then use it as a foundation to define their personal understanding of what a friend means to them.  One can also use it to gauge the various degrees of a friendship, i.e., good, great, close.  Oddly enough I have found that we tend to bestow the title of friend on people who are no more than a mere acquaintance because they are not ready or prepared to take on the role of a friend.   

To me, a friend is someone you have known who has shown themselves trustworthy. They take the time to get to know you, i.e., what you like and don’t like, so that they won’t offend you because they respect you. Someone who you can confide in and know that they will not share your business just because they can. It’s that person who has your back no matter what. Someone who respects who you are and understands that there are things you will not compromise on. They give you their honest opinion because they care and want the best for you. Someone who does not judge you, but encourages you. Someone who does not just criticize your actions and short comings just because they can, but rather edifies you and show you how you can do better. They accept you unconditionally with all your character flaws. They are that person you call first when trouble is at your door and also the first one you call when you have good news to share. 

Someone that, no matter what the hour of the day or the night, they are there for you. When the bottom falls out, they are there to help you try to put it back together and when life deals you a blow you feel you cannot shoulder by yourself, they are there to help hold your arms up so you can breathe. And even if you don’t talk every day, the bond between you is so strong that you know that they will be there for you should the need arise.

Part of being a friend is having a mutual respect for each other to the point that you are able to disagree with each other and know that you can both be brutally honest without being hurtful, i.e., resorting to name calling, character assassination, keeping a score card of favors rendered just so they can pull it out in the middle of an argument or dredging up past indiscretions in an attempt to score points.  And while it may take a day or two or even a week to recover from the set back an argument can impose, you take comfort in knowing that it will come together again - but if something should go terribly wrong during that time apart, you can still reach out to that person for love and support. 

There are two types of friendships - either it is a mutual friendship where each party supports the other equally (each party gives and takes respectively) or it is a one-sided friendship meaning one party receives support from the other party without thought of reciprocation (they take without giving back, i.e. it’s all about them).  You've heard that old saying, “with friends like these, who needs enemies.” Well that was no doubt geared towards the one-sided friendship where that person does not respect the other person and have no friendship loyalty. You know the type, they don't call you but the minute you call them they monopolize the conversation and don't even stop to consider that you may have called for a reason.  

Most people are familiar with the mutual friendship concept, but believe it or not the one-sided concept is fast becoming prevalent even if it is short lived. People just don’t recognize it for what it is. Unfortunately some people still don’t get that a friendship is a two-way street and they chose to operate as if they don’t have to reciprocate what they expect from the other person. They don’t understand that it’s a dance – sometime they lead and other times they must follow. The trick is to figure out what your role is in the friendship. Truth is without even understanding the dynamics of the one-sided friendship or that, that is what you are engaged in, once you realize that a friendship is not beneficial to you, you move on.

For years I used to be frustrated because I found that while I could be a good friend to others, it was hard to find others who are as good a friend to me. I’m a giver by nature, i.e., give my resources and time for no reason at all, call/text folks just to say hi, don’t want or need anything, give advice or just be a sounding board. Yet it seems like those things are not readily reciprocated. But once I learned that not everyone knew how to be a friend and I figured out what type of friendship I was in and what my role was in that friendship, it got a whole lot easier to do the friendship dance. To that end, my circle of mutual friendships is very small.

While some people prefer the mutual friendship concept because it’s the most beneficial, I embrace both concepts because it teaches me that I can function in both concepts effectively because even the unfriendly needs a friend. There are not a lot of people who can be in a friendship that is not beneficial to them. Think about the friendships you have lost. Why did they end? If you are honest with yourself you will agree that the friendship no longer met your expectations. Either you found you were always giving and it was not being reciprocated or they just blatantly disregarded your feelings altogether. Whatever it was, if it was not worth your time or effort to save it and you walked away – that was a one-sided friendship.  If you find yourself getting frustrated with the friends you have now because your needs are not being met – that is a one-sided friendship. Do yourself a favor, do a friendship assessment to determine if they are mutual or one-sided. Once you know your role then you can make a decision to stay or walk away. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i(

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