Boys to Men

I’m sure you've heard people say that "women can’t teach boys how to be men” and I am inclined to disagree. Boys grow up to be men just like girls grow up to be women. The question then becomes, what type of man or woman will they become? That to me, is what we try to influence as parents. Of all of God’s creatures humans are the most intelligent, so it stands to reason that it takes longer for us to develop into our final stage. Chickens, ducks, horses, and fishes are, within days if not hours of being born, able to forge for themselves. Humans on the other hand, are the only ones that need 18 or 21 years before they are legally declared competent to handle their own affairs. To that end, parents shape the type of man or woman their child develops into based on what they instill in them. Personally I think I did a great job raising my son, but the truth is it wasn't so much about me as it was about him. I admit it was not easy and it took a lot of trial and error, but once I realize it was all about him, the end result made it worth it. Sure it would have been a whole lot easier if he had a positive male figure in his life to show him the ropes and there were times when I questioned my parenting style. However, in the big scheme of things I think “we” did a damn good job.  Especially when you take into account that children don’t come with instructions. Yeah there are tons of “how to” books out there but they are written by people who either don’t have children but claim to be an expert in the field or if they do have children, they wrote it based on their perspective and experience with their children. That is all well and good, but the truth is, not every child is the same therefore not every parenting style will work on every child.  I should know as I have a daughter as well and while both my children were born in the same month, they are as different as night is to day – literally.

My daughter, who is the eldest, is very introverted and it was hard to read her when she was a little girl. Actually, she has not changed that much since then. She still tends to keep her feelings bottled up which makes it hard to gauge what’s going on with her. I must admit that raising her was not as challenging as raising her brother, especially since her dad was very involved in her life for the first 4 ½ years of her life. So for most of her life I didn't give much thought to my parenting style. I just modeled how I was raised, without the negative undertones of course, and added a few things I felt was lacking in my own childhood, i.e., lots of love, hugs, kisses, and extracurricular activities - swimming lessons, tennis lessons, dance lessons, trip to Disney World, etc. 

By the time her brother came along I was sure I had that parenting thing down pack. I mean, how hard could it be? All I had to do was instill the same morals and values in him as I did his sister and we would be good, right?  Boy was I wrong. For starters, I found that boys' and girls' brain/mind are wired differently. There were things I could ask my daughter to do and she would do it without questions or reservations, but my son was a different story. He would either ignore me or take his time getting around to doing it.  And if I pushed him, he would become confrontational and my levying my parental authority only seemed to make the situation worst. As he got older this would only get more intense to the point that he would challenge me. In an attempt to defuse what was fast becoming a stressful situation I opted to take steps to find out what was bothering my son and was willing to revise my parenting style if it came to that.

What I discovered was that my son had issues that stemmed from his father not being an active part of his life and since I never said anything bad about his father, his curiosity about him only got stronger, to the point that one summer he asked me if he could spend the summer with his father. Reluctantly I agreed. Turned out to be a very good decision because his father showed him better than I could tell him why he was not in our lives. The other thing I discovered was that my son was slowly becoming resentful of the female authority figures in is life, i.e., me, his teachers, his guidance counselor, principal, etc. because we seemed to dominate him. He felt like he was a woos because he had no control over his life. The “man” in him had a desire to take control because it did not feel natural to him for so many women to have this much control over his life so he felt frustrated. We, the female authority in his life, did not acknowledge who he was, that he was growing into what he already was – a man. We treated him like a child with no voice to whom we barked orders to all day long at school and at home, “sit down” “stand up” “do this” “do that”.

What I had also failed to realize is that there is a higher power innate within boys that feeds into their identity as men which makes them rebel when forced to answer to a lesser power. This exists in every boy/man. I’m not talking about basic disciplining issues. I’m talking about the lack of respect for who he is as a person by the female authority figures in his life, especially his mother – the belief that he is a “possession” which carries over into his personality. The trouble is women don’t seem to understand it and so when our sons act out we tend to try to subdue it by punishing them for answering to their innate nature instead of nurturing them. God created man to take dominion and to rule - it is their calling. He created woman as his helper – that is our calling. Men and women have distinct callings and when we operate outside of our roles it creates an imbalance. Who boys are exists from birth and if we don’t recognize that and nurture them from the beginning, they grow up to be angry, resentful men with emotional deficits. So it only stands to reason that boys get frustrated, not because there is no man around to teach him how to control the emotions and desires that naturally propels them to want to be in control, but rather because we as women won’t acknowledge that desire for what it is, but rather seek to suppress it either by beating them into submission or demoralizing them by comparing them to their fathers, a man they may or may not even know.

It took some time, but once I figured out what was wrong it made our relationship so much better. So unlike my daughter who didn't have a voice because I raised her the way I was raised -  I grew up in an era where children were to be seen and not heard and you dare not talk back to your parents, let alone try to have input in the decisions that affected you - I now allowed my son to have a voice, and while he knew that I still had the last word, this simple act empowered him, made him feel good that he had control over what affected him, and helped built his self-esteem. Turned out to be the best decision I ever made where he was concerned.

What we as single mothers, especially those who are raising boys, need to remember is that boys grow up to be men regardless of our parenting style and if we don’t take the time to listen to them when they are just angry boys, then they grow up to be angry men. They are like sponges soaking up everything you do and say even when you think they are not paying attention. Everything you say, do, and expose your son to becomes a part of who he will become. Those experiences coupled with his desire to be in control will lead him to make decisions that will shape his life. So if you only say bad things to him about his father or himself, and then one day out of anger you blurt out, “you are just like your father.” You have just given him permission to take ownership of that identity. What you have to realize is a young boy growing up in a house without a father is looking for his identity. He is searching for who he is and he is curious enough to try out a lot of different personalities until he finds the one that fits. Where do you think he will pull his information from different from his DNA? He pulls it from you – what you say, what you do, and who you expose him to all contributes to the type of man he will become.  He also searches for it outside the home – at school, on TV, the Internet, in the music he listens to and yes, his curiosity will lead him to seek it from what he perceives his father to be. Regardless of what your relationship is or was with his father you should never cloud his judgment by comparing him to his father or sharing whatever character flaws his father may have with him. Trust me, the day will come when he will seek out his father and discover just what type of man his father is for himself.  Give your son more credit. He is intelligent enough to figure out why his father is not in his life all on his own.

It’s easy to blame the lack of a father figure on why your son turned out to be less desirable than you had hoped. But the truth is there is enough evidence out there to disprove that notion. Lots of single mothers have raised very successful men who possess great character and are productive members of society. As a single mother you know what you are looking for in a man. All the wonderful attributes you would like for yourself as a woman, why not instill those into your son so that he can be that to some woman one day? If you want to ensure that he does not inherit/exhibit the same character flaws like his father, then nurture, praise, and uplift him. Your home is his training ground so allow him to be “the man”. Give him responsibilities and allow him to build and flex his muscles. Take the time to get to know your son. Respect him and he will respect you. Respect yourself and he will remember you. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i(

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