What Message Are You Sending

Normally  when  you   meet   someone  you   generally   make   a determination  whether or not you will incorporate them into your life based on your overall perception of them. Then depending on what  your needs are at the time, i.e., a lover, a friend, a business partner,  a  spouse, etc., you  make a conscious decision whether or not  to  involve  them  in  that area of your life. Unfortunately, not  everyone   has  a  defined  system   in  place  on  how   they  process people  they  meet  and   subsequently  become    involve  with  them  without   first  analyzing  how  they  fit  into  their life. For simplicity sake let’s use “romantic interest” as an example.

  

It is always interesting to me when I hear people say that they are looking for a “good” man or a “good” woman. What I've found is that their definition of “good” is almost always based on what their needs are at the time and has little or nothing to do with any concrete/firm standards. In fact, the issue may be that they don’t have any set standards in place and are actually “winging it” (improvising). Men are visual beings. They see a good looking woman and they go after her. If it works out, great. If not, then on to the next. Sometimes if she is real pretty and the desire to have her far out weighs her reluctance to give him the time of day, he may up his game a bit by flaunting how much money he makes or what kind of car he drives to peak her interest.  Which leads me to another thing I found interesting - men who claim women are “gold diggers” when in fact they are the ones putting themselves out there by flaunting what they have. As a result, when they get what they wanted or attract to them - the "gold digger"; and it does not work out they blame the woman by claiming she only wanted him for his money. You think? I know you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Let me explain.

There may be tons of reasons why some men uses money as a way to entice women to look their way. The one reason I feel that is most common is that some men tend to over compensate for things when they feel they lack certain attributes. For instance a guy who knows from experience that he is not well-endowed in the love making department may often try to make up for his lack of length or thickness by incorporating some other technique like cunnilingus (oral sex) as a way of compensating. But even before they get that far he may go over and above by providing her with material things as a way to entice her into a relationship with him. Once they move to the next step of consummating the relationship, he continues to provide material things in order to keep her happy. In time, especially if he has a trail of failed relationships as a reminder, his self-esteem (confidence and satisfaction in himself) may become fragile and he may be conditioned to feeling that the only way he can attract a woman is by flaunting/enticing her with material things. Once he gets her, he now feels pressured to always provide her with material things, i.e., a nice house, car, jewelry, clothes, etc., otherwise he feels she will leave him.  Fact is he is absolutely right. Whatever he did to draw that person to him, he has to continue doing it because that is what attracted her to him and in essence, how he packaged/marketed himself.  If he stops doing it he run the risk of losing her if in fact that is all that connected them. However, had he allowed her to actually learn to love him for him and not because of the material things he provided in the beginning then their relationship would have a better chance to survive.  

Unfortunately some men feel that women only want to be with them because of their money (gold digger) and they may be right especially if they are in the habit of using money and material things as a hook to catch women. The sad thing is, based my experience, they can get blinded by that misguided belief to the point that they can’t recognize when a woman is actually interested in them just for them. Of course she has no knowledge of whether or not he is well-endowed when they met initially and she probably doesn't care. All she knows is she likes him. She just likes being around him because he stimulates her mind with interesting conversation and may motivate her to do things she had not even considered doing before meeting him. Not only that, she thinks he’s funny and charming. He has the power to make her laugh out loud when she is in his presence and when he is not around, thoughts of him evokes a smile. But because he’s so self-absorbed with trying to make money so he can feel good about himself again so he can then either try to impress her or some other female that he is interested in, he forfeits spending time with her and ends up missing out on what could have no doubt been the best relationship he ever had.

That’s just one scenario, but there are so many others. Like, the guy who may actually be financially well off and proudly puts it out there or he could be in between jobs when he meets a woman that he likes but instead of being forthcoming with his financial situation he spews out tales of what his life used to be like before he lost his job/business, before his ex-wife made off with the house, kids, and the cars, but it all sounds like it is current events. So she has no idea that he is unemployed and living with his brother or some other family member. Like the female in the previous scenario, she too may have been drawn to him because he looked like someone interesting to know. However as she engaged him in conversation she quickly realizes that he may be a "goldmine" based on what he was saying. So if in fact she is a “materialistic female” or  a "gold digger" she will continue to pursue him in hopes that she will be able to secure a relationship with him so she can be the recipient of what he said he had to offer. Either way, you can see how their actions fostered the response they got. So for either of them to then turn around and brand the woman as a “gold digger” is unfair. Don’t get me wrong, she may very well be one but she would not have succeeded if they were not an easy mark. Tell me something, if you had a $1,000 would you tape it to your forehead and walk down a crowded street, or would you leave your expensive car in a crime infested area with the keys in the ignition and not expect to get robbed?

While just about every woman dreams of having a storybook relationship complete with her very own “knight in shining armor” who will protect her and provide for her, it is not all she is looking for in a mate. Some of us also really want a partner who understands us and who makes us happy whether or not he has a huge bank roll. On the other hand, no one wants a broke man/woman but if the relationship is based on mutual affection and not just on material things the chances of it surviving, should either of their financial situation change, is very good. The point I am trying to make is this; you get what you advertise. If you chose to attract the object of your desire by flaunting/enticing them with the prospect of money and/or material things then don’t be surprised if they never learn to love you for the wonderful person you are and leaves you when you can no longer provide those things for them. Instead, why not entice them with the real you? Let them come to desire to be in your presence just because of all the wonderful things about you, i.e., your smile, your personality, sense of humor, level of intelligence, etc. Your ability to provide material things, excessive or otherwise, should be a benefit not a requirement. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i( 

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What you think about you bring about

Have you ever heard of the “Law of Attraction”? Well it’s the name given to the belief that "like attracts like" and that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results, i.e., if a person opened an envelope expecting to see a bill or a check, then according to the law of attraction, the envelope would "confirm" those thoughts and contain a bill or a check respectively when opened.  Although there is no scientific basis to support the law of attraction, there have been countless incidents where people reported it does happen. Fact is, if you think about your life and your thought process, whether you are a positive or a negative thinker, you will no doubt realize that your life experiences line up with your expectations – your thoughts. You drew everything you have to you, i.e., the job you have, the car you drive, the clothes you where, the relationship you are in, even the place you live. You drew it to you by the law of attraction – your thoughts.

Personally I believe that this is a true law of the universe because once I was exposed to the concept and understood how it worked, I could look back on my past experiences and see how my thoughts did influence them. The truth is without even knowing of the law of attraction it was always operating in my life. It is as though my life was on auto-pilot where my expectations, good or bad, came to past. For instance, there were times when I was driving down the road and I would think, “I hope I don’t get a flat tire” and not two minutes after that I got a flat. Or I’m driving in the car with my mom to the local K-mart and I’m using one hand to steer the car, which by the way I still do, and she said, “Aw style you aw style off? You suppose to use two hands or you gonna have an accident.” Not even five minutes after she said that we were in a wreck. And then there was the time I interviewed for my last job and I really wanted it. I saw myself in that position and even after I was not selected I still believed I would get it. Six months later I got a call from the company offering me the position. I was so excited because even after hearing the position was filled I had still believed it was my job.

  

Once I was exposed to the law of attraction, however I started to make conscious efforts to think and expect more good/positive things. Like when I started that new job that was housed at the mall, I was hard pressed to find parking close to the entrance, but once I started expecting to get one I did, to the point that I would actually visualized a space on the front row and it would be there when I got there even on those days when I was running late. Sometimes when I got there, someone was just pulling out and I was able to pull in.  I got so excited that I started applying it to other areas of my life. You know how you go to bed the night before telling yourself you don’t want to be late to work or some appointment you have the next morning? What happens? Not only may your alarm not go off because the electricity went out during the night, but everything that can happen to make you late happens including that wreck on the interstate, you can’t find your car keys, the car won’t start, one of the kids can’t find their shoes or their book report. Fact is by thinking about being late you started the motion to ensure that you would be late. It does not matter that you said “don’t want to be late” all the universe heard was “late” so it focused on doing everything to make you late. So I started expecting “to be on time” and I was surprised but mostly excited that I would be “on time”. There were a couple of times I actually woke up late but I told myself I was going to make it on time and if I ran into traffic, I would see it moving in my mind’s eyes and it would move enabling me to make it to work on time. I got so good at it to the point where I could time myself and would arrive to the minute. “Wow” I thought, “there is something to this positive thinking thing.”

Yes this is a powerful law and once you understand that your thoughts bring what you expect to you, it would benefit you to start expecting what you want instead of what you do not want. Still skeptical? Okay, let’s explore another angle.  Think about your life right now. If you are single and desire a spouse, what type of prospects are you being exposed to? For me I was focusing on what I didn't want – short men. Guess what? That’s all that was coming my way. Once I started focusing on what I wanted – a tall man – I started seeing more tall men. Now I am focusing on the other attributes I want in him. What about those of you who seem to always be in a bad relationship? I am reminded of a story of a young lady who grew up in an abusive household. She witnessed her mom going from one abusive relationship to another and she vowed she would never be with a guy who hit her, but try as she might she too found herself going from one abusive relationship to another. I offer to you that she was focusing on what she didn't want and she unwillingly drew it to herself.

When you worry about things you have no control over you bring it faster to you, thus what you worry about you bring about. Fear is the primary energy that speeds up the manifestation of your thoughts.  Your fears are a strong magnet for attracting to you the things you don’t want. Think about what you are afraid of the most and if you are honest with yourself you may realize that you are living it. Mine’s was not having enough money to pay my bills. Most times when I got a bill it’s not due until the end of the month, but what did I do? For the next 30 days I thought about how I didn't have enough to cover it and I worried about how I was going to get the money I needed to pay it. Chances are when the due date came I still didn't have the money to pay it in full. But after being exposed to the law of attraction I decided to trick my brain. I would write the check out the same day I got the bill, place it in the envelope, and put it on the counter. Then three days before it was due, I would pray over it and drop it in the mail. By writing the check immediately it took that pressure off my mind by allowing me to think it was already paid. It took some practice to put it out of my mind once the check was written, but it became easier especially when the check cleared the bank. By writing that check it released my expectations/faith to the universe that I expected it to be paid by the due date.

You may have a good job making good money but you can’t seem to break even to the point where you may feel like there is more month than money where your bills are concerned. You go to the mailbox expecting bills and I bet you are not disappointed. Even when you are current on your bills something unexpected comes up which forces you to fall short at the end of the month, i.e., car broke down, unexpected medical bill, etc. Or maybe you find that you are always in relationships where the person you are with leaves you when your money runs out. So you feel the only way you can keep them is to not run out of money, but something always happens to put you in a position where you have no money, i.e., lost your job, health issues which prevents you from working, etc. so they leave you. As a result both of these cycles continue because you expect it. In either situation, do yourself a favor and change your expectations. Start expecting to have more money than month.

Whether or not you believe in the Law of Attraction, the fact is it is operating in your life every day. Every time you exhibit fear, worry about something, or expect something, you are summonsing/activating the law of attraction. Don’t leave your life up to chance. Take charge and make a conscious effort to live the best life you can have. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i(

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Breaking the Cycle of Negative Thinking

About six years ago, roughly sometime in mid-2007, I was exposed to a book called “The Secret” written by Rhonda Byrne. It is a collection of philosophical ideas as it relates to positive thinking by a slew of experts in the field, including Michael B. Beckwith, Jack Canfield, Bob Doyle, Dr. Joe Vitale, and Dr. John Gray to name a few. It was a great read and the timing could not have been more perfect as I was going through a transitional time in my life.  This powerful little book forced me to take inventory of my life and assume responsibility for who I had evolved into. I could no longer blame my parents for not equipping me with what I needed to face life or for the negative energy which had consumed me to the point that I blamed everyone else for how my life had turned out, the choices I made, and outcomes thereof, including but not limited to my happiness – had my first husband not left I would not have found the need to remarry and thus would not be going through a divorce. Yeah – silly things like that.

The Secret, was very thought provoking.  As I read through it, it forced me to reflect on my pass experiences, my current situation at the time, and it connected the dots of my experiences in a way I had never done before. To the point where I realized that with every thought I had emitted, I inadvertently drew things to me that I did not want. I had no idea that I controlled my life through my thoughts. It’s like a light bulb went on and for the first time I was able to see my life through someone else’s eyes. I grew up in a household where negativity ruled the day. I don’t think my mom consciously set out for it to be that way, but every word out of her mouth had a negative connotation, i.e., “you gonna miss the bus” “you ain't never gonna be nothing”, “self praise ain't no praise”, “you ain't going back to school”, “you gonna have an accident”, etc. What she did, without realizing it, was to help condition my mind to always expect the worst. So I always looked at my external circumstances as the norm and believed, for most of my life, that what happened to me was pre-destined and no matter what I did, I would always have a hard life. So guess what? I had a hard life. No matter what I did it was always a struggle. No major "good thing" ever happened to me so I grew accustomed to that and never expected anything good to happen to me.

Oddly enough though when I would reflect on my life as an adult, I would take great pride in the fact that I was not strung out on drugs, did not prostitute myself, and although I was a teen mom, I finished school, got a job, moved into my very own apartment at 18, bought a car, never received public assistance, and after three years of living on my own I built a house in the country.  Life was good and I told my mom just that, to which she replied, “Self praise ain't no praise”. Not, "Great job. I'm so proud of you." So I learned to secretly congratulate myself for my small wins. Yet despite my best efforts success seemed to always elude me – that is until I read the secret!  

As I read the secret it became very obvious to me that most of what was being said was based on Biblical principles. Sure the author was careful to use words like “the universe” and “a higher power” but if you have been exposed to any religion you knew what she was saying. For the first time in my life a lot of what I had read in the Bible actually made sense to me, especially the parts about having faith. I never got how “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Heb 11:1) Especially when you are taught that if you do anything to obtain what you had faith for, then you had no faith. Yet “Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” (Jam 4:17) How could you show you had faith? Better yet, how do you exercise faith? The Secret taught me that positive attitude fostered positive outcomes and by visualizing myself with what I wanted or expected was my faith at work. Bottom-line I learned that I was in control of my thoughts and with practice; I could retrain my mind to think only positive things which in turn would bring what I was thinking about into manifestation. Seemed easy enough but proved to be more difficult because the only positive thoughts coming my way was the one’s I was generating or attempting to send out, which were few and far in between.


 Everyone I knew was spewing out negative vibes into the air with their words. Co-workers would say I couldn't do this or that, friends would shoot down ideas as being too difficult or not achievable and I quickly realized that my mom was not the only negative influence in my life. Turns out just about every person I was exposed to, whether it was a teacher, co-worker, or a family friend, all seemed to be operating on negative energy.  This only served to confirm what I was reading in the book. Because they had not yet been exposed to the secret, like me, they spent their lives thinking about what they didn't want and it manifested. If you spend your life only seeing negative things then you expect negative things and once that cycle keeps repeating you convince yourself that is what your life is.

The good news is you can change your life for the better if you want to – I did. Like I said before, it was not easy but with perseverance I was able to achieve a more peaceful existence. It cost me some friendships because not everyone was receptive to my new found “thought revitalization program”, but it was worth it.  Before exposure to the secret I expected the worst possible outcome given any situation, i.e., be late for work, can’t find a good parking space, not receiving promotion on the job, struggling to pay my bills, not enough money, you name it.  Now I expect the best out of every situation that involves me, i.e., on time for work, prime parking spot, promotions on the job, all my bills are paid because there is no struggle, etc. The fact is my faith has been increased and strengthened.  I now know how to exercise my faith to the point that I expect what I am asking for to be granted to me with no exceptions. It may require some patience on my part for some things, but as sure as I am sitting here, it will come to past. Your thoughts are very powerful and they shape your life as you know it. As a result, your life is a combination of all the thoughts you have had and is also influenced, to some degree, by the thoughts of others towards you. Thoughts become things and what you think about you bring about. What are you thinking? I’m just saying - I got issues. What about you? )i(

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How do you love?

When someone tells you they love you, you believe them, right? Truth is you would be hard pressed to find anyone who does not want to be loved or hear someone tell them that they loved them. But do they really love you? I’m sure there are people out there who genuinely love unconditionally, but for the masses I offer that, that is not the case. I've been in this world for a while and during that time I can honestly say that I can count the amount of people who have told me that they loved me and for whom I believed on one hand and I don’t need all of my fingers. I’ll even take it one step further and offer that not everyone who says I love you really means it and I’ll tell you why.

The word love means different things to different people. For some being able to love is dependent on their external environment, i.e., “as long as you don’t offend me or do anything to upset me, I love you.” For others their degree of love changes depending on how the object of their affection treats them. For me the ability to love is based on my belief that loving someone is giving them my utmost respect at all times coupled with my exposure to biblical principles found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 where the Apostle Paul breaks down what love looks like. He writes “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” How many of these things can you truthfully say you practice faithfully?  

As humans our basic instinct is self-preservation at all cost, i.e., to push back when pushed, to inflict pain when hurt and to lash out when attacked regardless of whom the perpetrator may be. Think of all the relationships you have in your life, i.e., friendships, marriage, significant other, children, parents, co-workers, etc., how many times have you had an argument which included the use of profanity, being called out of your name, character assassination, insulting physical appearance, dredging up past indiscretions? These behaviors are not consistent with love.  Unfortunately these behaviors have been model for us for so long that we now believe them to be the norm. I prefer to differ. Love does not hurt, does not desire to cause pain and surely does not degrade. When you truly love someone you desire only good things for them and you would not do anything to cause them pain. Selfishness, lust, and personal desires are what cause infidelity. True love is what keeps you from cheating on your spouse. It keeps you from calling them out of their name, and it makes you think twice about the consequences before you indulge in behaviors that will no doubt cause conflict in your relationships. 

When my children were growing up I would often tell them “There is nothing you can do to make me love you any more and nothing you can do to make me love you less. I love you unconditionally.” They would go on to test that statement over the years and I am happy to report that my words held true.  Sure there were times I did not like them very much, but I never stopped loving them. They now know without a shadow of a doubt that I love them unconditionally.

Statistics shows that more than 50% of all marriages in the country ends in divorce. And while society offers some valid reasons for divorce, i.e., physical/emotional abuse, infidelity, economic/financial tensions, or drug/alcohol addiction, most courts realize that there are hundreds of reasons why people may seek a divorce and thus offers an out by allowing the use of irreconcilable differences as a catch all. This however does nothing to diminish the flood of emotions or behaviors that may be fueled by the real reason for the divorce. During the course of the divorce and sometimes for years afterwards, couples may experience such emotions as anger, resentment, disgust, and yes even hate. These emotions may foster behaviors that leave a lot to be desired, including but not limited to name calling, burning/destroying clothing or other personal items, character assassination, custody battle, etc.  It's like that scene in the 1995 movie "Waiting to Exhale" when Bernadine flipped out after learning her husband was leaving her for another woman. Sadly that is a scene that is played out in many relationships. Maybe not as intense but violent outburst just the same. 

How can you profess to love someone but the minute they are no longer the object of you desire you fall out of love with them to the point where you can’t stand them? The answer – you were never in love. You were in lust. Fact is, if either one of them truly loved the other a lot of what transpired would have never come to light including the reason for the divorce. Think about it with your heart and not your head. When they took those vows to love, honor, and obey, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do them part – which part did they not understand? Nowhere in there did it say “until the first time you offend me, I’m out.” Or “I’m only here so long as you have a job and you can provide for me financially.” Seriously though, if that husband or wife loved their spouse they would not have engaged in the behavior which lead to the divorce, i.e., cheating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, created financial rift which affected the families ability to be financially stable, or subjected them to the heartache that substance abuse inevitable caused.

Moreover, when the relationship ends for whatever reason, if the husband/man loved his spouse and his children he would not fight over his spouse’s request to be able to keep the house because he would realize that it’s in the best interest of the children for them to remain in a stable environment and would gladly pay child support to ensure that their needs are met. Likewise if the wife/woman loved her spouse she would not try to keep him from seeing his children because she would realize that it is equally important for them to have a relationship with their dad to ensure stability.  She would also not try to take him to cleaners because she would understand that while he was no longer in her life, he was entitled to have a life which includes being able to take care of himself and whoever else he chose to incorporate into his life going forward. 

I am reminded of a young lady whose husband abandoned her and their minor child just shortly after they were married. It would be 14 years later before she would have the opportunity to speak with him again, but even then he offered no reason for his departure from their lives.  He only reassured her that it was nothing she did.  He would subsequently lose his life some years later. It was after his death that she learned that he was a drug addict and was living on skid row. As she reflected on the last few months she spent with him she realized that the telltale signs of his addictions were present even back then, but she was too young to recognize the signs of drug addiction so she attributed his behavior to other reasons. At the time of his death, there were still a lot she didn't know, but one thing she knew was he loved them. Why else would he have left? She took comfort in knowing that he loved her and their child enough to remove himself from their lives instead of subjecting them to the hardship his drug use would no doubt cause.  He left so that they would not suffer or witness him at his worst.  She thought of others she knew who were in similar situations and how that drug addict made their lives miserable because they stole from them as well created other unbearable situations. 

There is a lot to be said about whether or not someone means it when they say that they love you. The only way to truly know for sure is to judge it by their actions – “Actions speak louder than words, and are more to be regarded." (A.M. Davis – 1736). Does their actions also say that they love you even when they are upset? It is easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you are upset but remember, “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” (Luke 6:45) 

So the tendency to blurt out hurtful things towards the person you profess to love and then apologize later by offering that you only said/did what you said/did because you were upset at the time is small comfort to the person on the receiving end especially if it turned violent. For some reason people think you should forgive them for their bad behavior if they blame it on their mindset at the time. 

Who you are on the inside and how you really feel only gets magnified when your emotions come into play. It’s just like money. People think that money changes you - it doesn't. If you were generous/stingy before you had money, you become more generous/stingy respectively after you get money. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i(ther or someone their breath is offensive. I am not just talking  2-3 minutes 

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The Art of Friendship

Friendships on a whole is important to our survival yet the art of friendship can be difficult for some. For most people, making friends comes as easily as walking down the street.  The challenge however becomes keeping them. Like everything else, maintaining a healthy friendship takes work. But I've found that not everyone knows how to be a friend let alone keep them for a lifetime. To be a friend one must first be a friend. 

So what does being a friend mean? Well to understand that we must first explore the word “friend”. According to Merriam-Webster a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. It further defines a “friendship” as the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends; a relationship between friends. So based on this basic definition one can then use it as a foundation to define their personal understanding of what a friend means to them.  One can also use it to gauge the various degrees of a friendship, i.e., good, great, close.  Oddly enough I have found that we tend to bestow the title of friend on people who are no more than a mere acquaintance because they are not ready or prepared to take on the role of a friend.   

To me, a friend is someone you have known who has shown themselves trustworthy. They take the time to get to know you, i.e., what you like and don’t like, so that they won’t offend you because they respect you. Someone who you can confide in and know that they will not share your business just because they can. It’s that person who has your back no matter what. Someone who respects who you are and understands that there are things you will not compromise on. They give you their honest opinion because they care and want the best for you. Someone who does not judge you, but encourages you. Someone who does not just criticize your actions and short comings just because they can, but rather edifies you and show you how you can do better. They accept you unconditionally with all your character flaws. They are that person you call first when trouble is at your door and also the first one you call when you have good news to share. 

Someone that, no matter what the hour of the day or the night, they are there for you. When the bottom falls out, they are there to help you try to put it back together and when life deals you a blow you feel you cannot shoulder by yourself, they are there to help hold your arms up so you can breathe. And even if you don’t talk every day, the bond between you is so strong that you know that they will be there for you should the need arise.

Part of being a friend is having a mutual respect for each other to the point that you are able to disagree with each other and know that you can both be brutally honest without being hurtful, i.e., resorting to name calling, character assassination, keeping a score card of favors rendered just so they can pull it out in the middle of an argument or dredging up past indiscretions in an attempt to score points.  And while it may take a day or two or even a week to recover from the set back an argument can impose, you take comfort in knowing that it will come together again - but if something should go terribly wrong during that time apart, you can still reach out to that person for love and support. 

There are two types of friendships - either it is a mutual friendship where each party supports the other equally (each party gives and takes respectively) or it is a one-sided friendship meaning one party receives support from the other party without thought of reciprocation (they take without giving back, i.e. it’s all about them).  You've heard that old saying, “with friends like these, who needs enemies.” Well that was no doubt geared towards the one-sided friendship where that person does not respect the other person and have no friendship loyalty. You know the type, they don't call you but the minute you call them they monopolize the conversation and don't even stop to consider that you may have called for a reason.  

Most people are familiar with the mutual friendship concept, but believe it or not the one-sided concept is fast becoming prevalent even if it is short lived. People just don’t recognize it for what it is. Unfortunately some people still don’t get that a friendship is a two-way street and they chose to operate as if they don’t have to reciprocate what they expect from the other person. They don’t understand that it’s a dance – sometime they lead and other times they must follow. The trick is to figure out what your role is in the friendship. Truth is without even understanding the dynamics of the one-sided friendship or that, that is what you are engaged in, once you realize that a friendship is not beneficial to you, you move on.

For years I used to be frustrated because I found that while I could be a good friend to others, it was hard to find others who are as good a friend to me. I’m a giver by nature, i.e., give my resources and time for no reason at all, call/text folks just to say hi, don’t want or need anything, give advice or just be a sounding board. Yet it seems like those things are not readily reciprocated. But once I learned that not everyone knew how to be a friend and I figured out what type of friendship I was in and what my role was in that friendship, it got a whole lot easier to do the friendship dance. To that end, my circle of mutual friendships is very small.

While some people prefer the mutual friendship concept because it’s the most beneficial, I embrace both concepts because it teaches me that I can function in both concepts effectively because even the unfriendly needs a friend. There are not a lot of people who can be in a friendship that is not beneficial to them. Think about the friendships you have lost. Why did they end? If you are honest with yourself you will agree that the friendship no longer met your expectations. Either you found you were always giving and it was not being reciprocated or they just blatantly disregarded your feelings altogether. Whatever it was, if it was not worth your time or effort to save it and you walked away – that was a one-sided friendship.  If you find yourself getting frustrated with the friends you have now because your needs are not being met – that is a one-sided friendship. Do yourself a favor, do a friendship assessment to determine if they are mutual or one-sided. Once you know your role then you can make a decision to stay or walk away. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you? )i(

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