Why do people lie...

Why do people lie, especially when what they lie about will be dis-proven eventually, if not sooner? Personally I take it as an insult when people lie to me.  When someone lies to me it's telling me that they don't trust me enough with "their" truth. That may be because they really don't know me, because if they knew me, they would know that I don't tolerate lies. I don't lie to them so why lie to me?  Besides, if they knew me they would know I am not judgmental. That doesn't mean that I don't have standards or limitations on what I will allow or tolerate. It just means I would prefer to know the whole truth so that when I make a decision about them it is based on all the facts and not on half truths. Bottom-line, if they don't know me or trust me then we don't need to be in each other's world.

People sometimes have the misguided notion that if they withhold the truth from you, that they are somehow spearing your feelings.  I prefer to differ. Case in point, have you ever had a friend who had body odor or bad breath, even slightly? What did you do? Did you pull them to the side and tell them about it, ignored it and hope they would eventually catch on, or did you share it with someone else that they had bad breath or body odor? Most times than not the latter is true. The way I see it, if I am your friend (and I know some people define “friend” differently), then your well-being is my first concern. I would prefer to tell you about it so that you can do something about it – brush better, floss, scrub your tongue, visit to the dentist, wash more often, etc. – than to have you be out there around others who will smell you and talk about you behind your back. Nobody wants to smell bad and sometimes for whatever reason people may not, or are unable to smell themselves. I, on the other hand, have a heightened sense of smell. My kids are always getting on me because I complain all the time about smelling something. It can be as subtle as sweat, my nose pick up on it. I am always fussing with my son about cooking after hours because the food odor seems to linger in the air long after and I have a hard time falling asleep. My son sums it up as my “nose is too sensitive” and he is probably right.  The point I am trying to make is, I would prefer to know that I had an odor so I can fix it, than to have folks talk about me behind my back.

Another scenario is, have you ever met someone you really liked and from your conversations it seems like you both had a lot in common? I mean you like the same movies, same food; you both don't smoke and only drink socially. They are a Capricorn and you are a Virgo and it seems like everything just clicked.  Then one day you run into them and they are smoking a cigarette? What's up with that? They may offer you some lame excuse like, "I just started today." or "I only smoke when I am stressed." Either way, it's a little hard to understand. I offer that they always smoked. The truth is they saw you, liked you and wanted to get with you, so they lied. They already sized you up to know that since you don't smoke, you are not going to want to be with someone who smokes. So they concealed that little bit of information knowing fully well the truth will come out eventually. What were they thinking/hoping? That maybe if they hid it just long enough for you to fall in love with them, by the time you found out it would be okay? My question then becomes, what else are they pretending not to be in order to secure a relationship with you? This reminds me of my ex-husband. When we met he professed to be a vegetarian. I thought, “Cool beans, because I’m one too”. It meant I didn't have to cook two meals, right? I was excited to have found someone who shared my eating habits.  Well, like I always say, “you can only fake it for so long before the truth comes out”. So as time went on, I noticed he was not eating at home. Every time I left his dinner out, he would say he was full because he ate already. This went on for a while.  Then one day as I was doing laundry I searched his pants pockets like I always did to make sure there was nothing in them, I pulled out a receipt from a deli that had two “ham and cheese” sandwiches listed. When I asked him about the receipt, he told me it was not his. That he had “picked it up off the floor at work.” Who does that? At least he could have come up with something believable. But the thing about lying is, it sometimes defies logic especially if you don’t put any thought into it. 

To me lying speaks to your integrity.  It doesn't matter if it's a "big" lie or a "small" lie. A lie is a lie. As such, I make it a point to always tell the truth. It speaks volume to the type of person I am and it builds character. When people know you always tell the truth, then they know they can trust you and they know they can rely on you to be honest no matter what. I have friendships that span over 30 years and my friends will still call me up from time to time to get my “honest” opinion.  Now, have I always told the truth? Let me think – as an adult, yes.  As a kid, not so much. I did the usual fibbing to avoid getting a whooping, but that usually ended with me getting a much severe whooping if my mom determined I had lied to her. So yes, my commitment to telling the truth is tied to my earlier desire to please my mom.  You see, when I was a little girl there was an incident where I lied to her. I can’t remember what it was that I told her, but I remember her reaction and I will never forget what she said to me after she finish whooping me. She said, “I can secure my house from a thief. I can hide from a murderer, but a liar? How do I protect myself from that?” She went on to say she had “no use for a liar.” That stuck with me to this day. Even when I was raising my children, I instilled in them the importance of always telling the truth. I told them I can’t effectively defend them if I don’t trust them and for me to trust them, I had to believe what they said. When my daughter was about 5 years old she was laying on the floor in the living-room with her foot up on the TV set.  The TV had a flip down lid in the front where you could adjust its settings.  At some point she ended up breaking the lid off the TV.  I didn't witness it at the time it happened, but the following Saturday while doing routing cleaning, the lid came off as I dusted the TV.  I called out to her and asked her what happened to the TV. She said she didn't know to which I reminded her only she and I lived in the apartment. So unless we had a ghost, because I know I didn't break it, the only other person who could have broken it would be her.  She finally confessed to breaking it and I gave her a spanking. As I told her, she got a spanking not because she broke the lid - because accidents happen - but rather because she lied to me.  At that young age I was instilling in her that while there were consequences for her actions, it is more likely to be forgiven if she told the truth and accepted responsibility for her actions. I also instilled that same value in my son. I am sure both my children will agree, it made their childhood so much better as they did not receive a lot of spankings.

Nobody likes to be lied to, not even the ones doing the lying. So, again I ask, why do people lie? I am convinced that the answer lies in their desire to get away with something that they know they would not be able to get away with if they told you the truth or to gain something they otherwise would not have access to if they tell you the truth. What they don’t realize is that they do themselves, and the person they lied to, a great injustice. By being deceptive, whether they chose to withhold information or share something that just is not true, they create an environment that forces the hearer to make decisions based on faulty information.  As a result the relationship is doomed to fail because it is built on deception and the trust bond is easily broken once that deception comes to light.  Depending on how deep the deception is, the relationship may not be salvageable.  The truth is, if you really cared about the other person or even loved them, you would not deceive them. To me, lying is a coward’s act and speaks more to your character than anything else. It says you are only interested in having what you want at the other person’s expense and should not be trusted.

People also lie out of fear. Fear of rejection, of losing a job, a friendship, or of a negative consequence. But mostly fear of being them self – think about it. What was your reason for the last lie you told? Did you think about the effect of that lie on the person you told it to? What about the right of the other person to know the truth? You probably didn't even think about all that, did you? Of course not, that would require you thinking about the other person’s feelings. But, mostly because all you were interested in is having your way or avoiding a negative consequence. I offer to you that lying also is a sign of disrespect. You think so little about the person you lied to, either you think they deserve to be lied to because they are stupid enough to believe you or it just didn't matter to you. Most time than not people don’t even think about the reason they lie in such details. I wish they would stop for a minute and put themselves on the receiving end for a change. I bet they would not appreciate it being done to them. 

So much of the mess people find themselves in can be easily avoided if they would resolve to always tell the truth, face the consequences, and accept responsibility. Telling the truth all the time may not be popular, but it reduces stress and improves relationships. Don’t believe me? Try it. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?  )i(

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