The holidays can sometimes be a
difficult time especially if you are not in a relationship. For me, the “lonely blues” fog/cloud usually starts
forming around Thanksgiving and last somewhere up until about Valentine’s Day. Around Christmas four years ago, I adamantly
declared that “this will be the last
holiday I spend alone.” Then earlier this year, I posted on my Facebook page that I was going to get married on December 15th. That’s some
feat considering I had no potential husband in mind, but was sure I would by the
time that date came around. Yet, here I am facing another holiday alone. It’s not that I am not open to finding a mate;
it’s more like I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for. After my last failed
marriage six years ago, I decided to do an assessment to try to identify
the issues that plagued my marriage in an attempt to avoid the pitfalls I found
myself in. What I found was, while I was a good “wife” by biblical standards, I neglected to hold my husband accountable
for his part of the relationship based on those same standards. I took it for granted that because my husband
was the “man” he knew what was expected “of him” and I did not challenge him when
he did not live up to those expectations. As a result, I inadvertently enabled him
to treat me less than what I desired. In hindsight, I found that while achievable, some of those expectations were
un-realistic for him especially when I took into consideration that I didn't even know
what they were at the time and for the most part neither did he. Again, my failure
to verbalize my expectations was based on my belief that he already knew what
they were because he was the “man” and my only clue that he was not meeting
them was that I was unhappy. For instance, while he was a great provider
financially, he neglected me emotionally and I said nothing to him about it.
Then there was the issue of him not being a “Christian”, coupled with the fact that we did not share the same
outlook on life, which rendered us unequally yoked or not compatible. So why
then did I marry him? Good question. 
So here I am, five years after my
divorce, facing the same outlook I faced eleven years ago and my prospects are
no more inviting than they were back then.
While I have a better understanding of what I want from my mate and now have
knowledgeable realistic expectations for my mate and relationship, I still find
it difficult to find a suitable mate. Sure I've tried all the “conventional” venues for finding a mate,
i.e., friend’s recommendations/hook-ups, grocery store, public events, church,
on-line dating sites, etc., but so far no luck. In fact, the latter has proven
to be the most stressful of them all. Four years ago when I first decided I was
emotionally stable to try again, I came across this ad which promised to remove
the stress of dating by offering a secure venue where I could meet “relationship-ready” men who were also “emotionally stable”. Their angle was
that they “controlled” the information that was posted on their site. They also
stated that they ran extensive background checks on prospective members to rule
out unfit candidates, thus ensuring that the men I was exposed to where not
predators. They also indicated that they took the pictures of every member
personally to ensure that the picture posted was a recent picture. I must
admit, what they offered sounded very promising. So without hesitation I gladly paid the exorbitant
membership fee and embarked on the exciting journey to find my mate. The way I figured, if they could elevate my
stress about wondering if the guy I was out on a date with was telling me the
truth about not being married or not having a criminal past, it was money well
spent. In hindsight, the truth is they caught me at a very vulnerable stage in
my life and it all turned out to be a waste of good money, to say the least, as
my experience with that agency was anything but “stress free” and I was just as
prone to end up dating a deceitful guy on their site as anywhere else. 
Oddly enough, when the mental
dust settled, I still desired to be married and in a fulfilling committed relationship.
“But where would I find this man”, I
asked myself. The truth is there are not a lot of other places to look. So once
again, I found myself turning to on-line dating. There are a lot of on-line
dating sites available, all promising “free to join” promotions, but charging
to interact once you do. For me that
was not an option as I refuse to spend one more cent on such a venue given my
past experience. As luck would have it, or
not, I found, not one but two sites which appear to be free to join and allowed me to send and receive messages without additional cost. Of course there is a
cost associated for other “bells and whistle”
services if you chose to indulge, but for the most part, the basic service is
free. It’s been about a month since I posted my profile, however I have yet to
hit the jackpot. Don’t get me wrong, there are literally tons of men on these
sites and I have interacted with a few of them who, at first appeared to be
in-line with what I was looking for, but eventually proved to be otherwise. What I am finding is that despite my best
effort to weed out the “character-flaws” that plagued my last relationship, it
seems like it is impossible to do. Case
in point, I made it a point to list what I am looking for in no uncertain terms:
I am
looking for someone who is:
-God-centered
-Age
(45 or older because I am not a cougar)
-Height
(6 ft or taller)
-Non-smoker
-Has
children but don't want any more
-Has
no dogs or cats because I am allergic
Yet, I received messages from guys who are 25 – 42,
who are 5’11” or shorter, has dogs and/cats, don’t have kids and wants kids,
and yes even the ones who smoke but failed to indicate that on their profile. What I have determined, based on my experience
on these sites, is that men are "visual" and do not read – or they just skim
through the profile at best. They see my picture and immediately send me a message. Why do
I say that? Simple, most times than not they ask me something that is already
listed in my profile, i.e., "Where are you from?" That information is listed in
the second line of the first paragraph of my profile. My return message to them
then is, “Typically I don't continue
conversation or respond to questions if what is being asked is already in my
profile, but I'll make an exception in this case simply because I am proud of
where I am from and I already know that men are "visual". They don't
read profiles they just look at the pictures, lol.” This usually pisses
them off and I don’t hear from them again, which is fine by me. All I am trying
to do is weed out the “character-flaws” that no doubt will cause issues in a
relationship and while I can’t “catch” all of them, I am bent and determined to
do my best.
Recently I discovered yet another issue that I had
not previously considered. I received a message from a guy who is a “truck
driver”. While being a truck driver, in and of itself, is not the issue, the
potential to become an issue is very real because of what it represents. One of
the things that affected my last marriage was the fact that my ex-husband
worked nights while I worked days. We were like two ships passing at daybreak. He
was just getting home in the mornings when I was on my way out to work. It wasn't always that way, but in time, once our schedules changed, it put additional strain on an already strained
relationship. So to ensure that my next
mate and I spend enough time together, it stands to reason that we must be on
the same schedule. To that end, dating someone whose profession will no doubt regularly
take him out of town and away from me for days at a time is not acceptable. The
way I see it, I have already spent too much time by myself. To willingly enter
into a relationship; knowing that I will be regularly spending my nights alone makes no
sense to me. It’s not like we are already
in a relationship and his occupation changed or his job all of a sudden
required him to travel. We don’t even have a history short of the day-old
correspondence on-line. Of course, he did not agree with my decision to not
pursue a relationship with him and he accused me of being “negative”. In his words “Quit
with the negative thinking. Let it flow, if it gels, then run with it! If it doesn't then run with it. I will more than make up for lost time when I’m home!”
That’s an interesting perspective and all it does is tell me that he is not
taking my feelings into consideration and only wants what he wants despite my
feelings - another indication to me that this guy is not the right one for me.
This is right up there with my insisting that my mate be 6 feet or taller. The
reason being is that I like to wear heels. There is just something about
me in heels – it completes the outfit. Truth is, I can be as tall as 6’2” depending on
which shoes I chose to wear and most guys don't want their woman towering over them. Sure a shorter guy will say in the beginning that
it’s okay and that he “don’t mind” that I’m taller than he is, but I know as sure
as I am sitting here on this chair that the day will come when he will ask me
not to wear my heels because he doesn't want me to be taller than he is. Not wearing my heels is an option I am not
willing to consider and I don’t want to have that discussion. So for me if I
don’t entertain a shorter guy then I won’t have that conversation. It may sound a bit silly to you but for me it makes perfect sense. For me to settle on a shorter
guy would be like me feeling there are no tall guys out there who meets my
other specifications. 
Another “character-flaw” I am trying to avoid is
the one where guys call me some sort of “sweet” name upon an initial encounter. This is not just restricted to on-line
dating. This could be a guy I run into on the street. Why is it that most guys
feel the need to call you “baby”, “sweetie”, “honey” or “love” right off the
bat? I know they probably think it’s “cute” or some sort of “term of endearment”,
but for me it’s a bit unsettling. I guess it’s because I am a literal person
and for me such “terms of endearment” should be reserved for when you are in
fact in a relationship. The way I figure it is, if a guy automatically calls
you a “sweet” name from the get-go, then how do you gauge his level of
affection for you as the relationship deepens? For me it’s right up there with
guys who tell you they love you all the time. After a while it sounds routine and you don’t know if he really
loves you or if it’s just something he just says - like a “filler”. Interestingly
enough, I have found that on this go around, I have no tolerance for what I
deem as idiocies. As such, if my mate is going to fall for me, he is going to
have to fall for the real me, no hold barred.
So in response to a recent message I received on-line where the subject line
said “Hi Babe” and the content read,
“How are you [d]oing today? I like your
smile.” - I said, “Good night. Thanks
for the compliment. I am fine thank you and for the record I am not your Babe.”
He then responded, “I am soorry to use
'Hi babe' I regardrd thatas a compliment. I appologize.” To which I said, “Apology accepted. FYI, that is not a compliment,
at least not to me. When I think of a baby I think of throwing up, dirty
diapers, and a helpless creature that relies on its mother for everything
because it can do nothing for itself. I know guys typically like to use terms
of endearment, i.e., honey, darling, sweetie, baby, babe, etc when reaching out
to a lady but trust me when I tell you it’s not appropriate. You should only
use such terms with your lady, it means more to her to know you don't just call
anyone that. I'm just saying. Have a great night and I hope you find what you
are looking for.” You would think that would be the end of that, but no, he
had more he wanted to say. “Thank u for
accepting my appology, but in the first place your thought is different from
someone else's thought. For me "babe" or "baby" is someone
u r ready to care for, ready to take responsibilities. Share things in common
pay attension to all the time (T) where T is undefined, be there for someone,
assist when the need arises etc and above all ready to have and accept that
person from your heart that gives us life.
I really feel bad when my words and actions are being misconstrued. I
used that word with a positive mind and do not mean to hurt u. Again and again
I say SORRY. Take care and stay
blessed......” And then as if he knew I had a pet-peeve about mis-spelt
words, he added, “Sorry for the spelling
mistakes. My keypads don't work right.” I know I should have left well enough
alone, but that’s not my style, so I came
back with, “For you to say that your
definition of the word babe means wanting to take care of me only proves my
point. Not only do you not know me, how can you, after only seeing my picture
with no interaction with me, make a determination that you want to care for me
in that way? That tells me two things. First, that you are not really looking
for love but just someone – anyone – to take care of and it doesn't matter who
it is. Secondly it tells me that you are not being realistic and your thought
process is defective. When I meet a guy I evaluate everything before I make a
determination if I want him in my world. A guy who calls me a "sweet"
name without even knowing me does not get considered. There may be women out
there who do not have any standard where this is concerned but for me that is a
"red" flag. If you start off by calling me "babe" how do I differentiate
when you actually fall for me? What will you call me then? I'm just saying.”
After that it was pretty much a wrap as he said simply, “I don't want to go back and forth with this. Simply put; Thank u and
Godbless u.” At that point I decided to let well-enough be and opted not to
respond to him anymore mostly because he proved my point - that "guys don’t read
profiles before they respond to a picture" as he was 5’7”.
They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing because it tends to empower and I must agree to some extent. You see, before I had a sense of what I wanted in a
mate and out of my relationship, I would have gladly settled for any of the
guys I have been exposed to so far. But now that I know what I need to expand
my happiness, I refuse to settle for anything less. I no longer feel the need to settle just because I don't want to be alone. I must admit I have met
some interesting characters on-line, some less desirable than others. But despite
my less than favorable results so far, I am still hopeful that I will meet
someone worthy of my time who possess all the character and physical attributes
I am looking for. After all, they can’t
all be duds, right? It looks like that old fair tale-base saying is true; you
know the one that says, “You have to kiss
a lot of frogs before you can find your prince.” God knows I have met my
share of frogs, but I am excited about the prospect of finally finding my
prince or maybe he will find me first. I’m just saying - I got issues. What about you? )i(
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