"Christian" vs "Non-Christian Dating: Dos and Don'ts

I had the opportunity to attend a "relationship/dating" forum last evening at my local church. I hate that I missed the beginning of the panel discussion as they were already about 15 minutes into it when I arrived. However, what I did get to hear was quite interesting and thought provoking. The panel consisted of members who were apparently in some sort of leadership role at the church. There were two doctors - a therapist (engaged female) and a professor (married female); three married couples - one for a significant length of time, one for two years, and the other were married earlier this year; and three other single individuals - a member from the security team (male), and 2 Elders - one female and one male.  

When I walked in the panel was in the process of discussing how to handle a situation where a married female found herself being emotionally attracted to a member of the opposite sex.  The responses from the panel ranged from suggesting that if the encounter was work-related, then she should make sure that she kept their interaction to a minimum,  to suggestions that she avoid being alone with the other party. Another panelist suggested that the woman removing herself from that person’s reach all together- all good advice.

Another question posed to a member of the panel was “what was he looking for in a wife now that he was saved, sanctified and spirit-filled?” He responded that she should be saved, sanctified, and spirit-filled, as well as, “look like his mom”. The audience laughed at that but for me that was very profound and true. There are a lot of men who when looking for a wife, looks for someone who resembles their mom in attitude, stature, and even morals & values. I remember a conversation I had with my teenage son a few years ago. He was relaying to me some issues he was having with his girlfriend at the time and he indicated that he was thinking about ending the relationship because “she was nothing like you.” He then went on to share some things that he was looking for in her, i.e., values, character, etc., that she did not posses, but he had seen modeled in our home and he attributed that deficit to her mom. I think that was the first indication I had that my son was actually looking at me and taking notes on how I conducted myself. While I was flattered I couldn't help but think about the other young women who were also growing up in homes where there were no structure or standards and the impact it was going to have on their relationships.

As the night progressed there were a couple of things that stood out for me. First, the perception that “Christian” dating was so much different than let’s say, for lack of a better word, “regular” dating.  Someone asked the question along the lines of, and I am paraphrasing here, “how do you date without yielding to temptation to do the “do” if you already know you have an attraction to the other person?” One panelist suggested that they “group” date – meaning invite others, i.e., a friend, a family member, etc. to come along on the date to double as a buffer, as well as, safety precaution. Well, in “regular” dating, when you agree to meet, don’t you usually meet in a public place? So technically, by their definition, that is like a group date. The only difference is you may not know the people that are around you. The downside of having a group date where your friends or family is there is that the person you are meeting may try even harder to be on their best behavior to impress your family/friends, thus delaying the process of showing you their true self. I am a firm believer that if you are going to act out, then please do so within the first couple of dates so that I can make up my mind whether or not I want to be bothered – but I digress.

One panelist made the comment that “like attracts like.” That is true to an extent. There are a lot of Christian people who are attracted to non-Christians and vise versa because the attraction is physical. You don’t see a fine looking man or woman and immediately think, “I wonder if they are saved?” No, you see them, you like what you see, then you make a move or not, depending on your level of confidence. The truth is there is not that much difference between Christian dating and regular dating except for the fact that Christians are looking for someone who is like-minded. Christians are normally prone to want to wait until after marriage to have sex because of or based on Bible principals, however they have not cornered the market on that concept. There are some non-Christians who, for whatever reason, be it morals, values, something their parents instilled in them, etc., chose to wait until after marriage to have sex.  The thing to remember is, if you are Christian and you desire a Christian mate, then you should only look for Christian prospects to ensure that you are equally yoked.

Second thing that stood out for me was the idea that a woman should wait to be approached by a man. One panelist was asked, again I am paraphrasing, “Is it okay for a woman to introduce herself to a man she is interested in?” The panelist indicated that he thought it was okay for her to introduce herself but that should be the extent of her approach. He said she should let the man be the man otherwise she would be inviting flesh and would not get the [connection] she was looking for. While most people agreed with his point, there were a few who took issue. One member of the audience indicated that she has been waiting to be approached but we live in a time where statistics seems to rule people’s actions. More specifically, she was referring to the stats that suggest that there are so many women for so many men, so men are now taking the “wait and see” approach and are not making strides to approach women like they did in the past. As a result, a woman can find herself waiting for a while before being approached. Another panelist offered that most women carry themselves as a “girlfriend” and not as a “wife”. He offered that when he met his wife he knew she was a “wife” and not a "girlfriend", so he approached her from a “husband” perspective. That means they did not date, he courted her and then married her. To that end, it seems he was saying that women need to put standards in place and let guys know that they are not available for a “test-drive”. If you want me, then marry me.  

Sounds fair enough, but back to the question “should she approach the guy?” There may be times when it may be appropriate to go "beyond just introducing herself." Maybe he is shy or maybe he thinks she is already in a relationship. I can’t tell you how many times guys have told me, after they asked if I was married and I said no, that they can’t believe I’m not married because I look like I am. Humm, guess I am carrying myself like a “wife” – lol. There were a lot of informative nuggets dropped throughout the night and I am sure the audience came away feeling that they gained a wealth of information as it relates to Christian dating. For me, it was a good discussion that was thought provoking.

There are tons of single people out there seeking companionship. Some are divorced and desire to be married again, some have never been married but desire to be, and yet some who just wants to be in a satisfying, committed relationship with no thought of marriage. No matter the motive that drives us to seek companionship, the one constant is that our objective remains the same - we all seek acceptance and fulfillment. The fact that you are Christian or non-Christian may influence the methods by which you arrive at that final destination, but it in no way diminishes your drive or determination to get there.

When it comes to choosing a spouse, regardless of your convictions or beliefs, it will help to have an idea of what you are looking for so that when it shows up you can recognize it. As with everything else in your life, make a plan, have a blue print of what your spouse should look like, i.e., goals, values, physical attributes, financial and emotional stability, background, etc. In other words, have some standards in place and in the words of one of the panelist, have some things that are “non-negotiable”. Whether it's your choice to be abstinence until you get married or your biblical beliefs - whatever it is - define it and then stick to it. There is someone for everyone, the trick is finding them. I’m just saying – I got Issues, what about you?)i(

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