As today is my birthday I figured I would sleep in, especially since I went to great lengths to ensure I had nothing planned except
for a manicure and a pedicure for later in the day. But it looks like that
would not be the case as I was awoken by the ringing of my cellphone. Guess I
forgot to extend the automatic DND (Do Not Disturb) feature last night before I
went to bed. Not knowing who it was I reached over and answered it. I heard a
female voice on the other line inquiring if I was who I was and I responded “yes.”
She then went on to ask if I could do her a favor, but before I could
answer, she went on to say she was Todd’s
wife. Knowing exactly who she was and the drama that was no doubt about to be
unleashed I opted to hang up. After all, today was my day and I was not about
to let anything or anyone mess that up. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let
me give you a little background.
I met Todd about
16 years ago when I first moved to Atlanta. He was in the middle of a nasty divorce
and had not seen his two minor girls for about three years. It took some doing
but I was able to get his wife at the time to agree to visitation for him. The
only catch was I had to chaperon/supervise the visits. So for several months I gave up my weekends
so that Todd could spend time with
his girls. Needless-to-say he was very grateful and offered to help me with
anything I needed including offering to buy me a car because my car broke down the
same night we met. Of course being the person
I am I declined his offer on the car, but I did take him up on his offer to
drop me off and pick me up from work until I obtain reliable transportation
again. To that end, he would accompanied me on my car hunting excursions and
gave me a crash course in car buying 101 which proved to be right on the money as
it literally saved me thousands of dollars by the time I settled on a suitable
car. 
Although there were opportunities to take our friendship to another
level, we never did and we remained simply great friends. I eventually met and
married someone else but Todd and I stayed close friends. He knows he can call
on me whenever he need to and has, and I knew the same was true for him. There were times when months would go by
before I heard from him or vice versa and I would jokingly remind him that the
only acceptable excuse for him not to keep in touch was if he found himself a
girlfriend. It took some years after his
divorce before he would test the relationship waters again. At one point he
was dating a lady who was twice his senior, but I never interfered. I figured
he was old enough to decide who he wanted to be involved with. The only thing
that bothered me was that she seemed to be threatened by Todd’s and my
friendship. I can’t imagine why as I
hardly ever saw Todd and was happily married at the time. However when my marriage ended it seems like
she became more insecure and threatened by me to the point where she would
answer Todd’s phone whenever I called him and attempt to engage me in small
talk. That proved to be quite awkward as
she was not my friend. Todd would eventually
share some of our conversation with her to try to reassure her that there was
nothing going on between us. I guess
that was his feeble attempt to defuse the situation. That didn't do much good
as it eventually came to a head when she called me one morning and shared some
of the details of Todd and my conversation. She went on to ask me to stop calling
Todd because she felt our friendship was keeping him from truly committing to her. I thought that
was a joke but tried to reassure her that her fears were unfounded as I had no
romantic interest in Todd. 
Not sure if she believed me or not and I really could have cared less but in any event I opted to limit my calls and interaction with Todd and decided to wait it out. For as sure as I knew my name I knew that relationship would be short lived. I didn't have to wait long as Todd grew tired of her insecurities and meddling as apparently I was not the only one of Todd’s female friends she called.
As the years rolled by we would continue to be friends with
the occasional lunch or phone conversation.
Then about two years ago after not hearing from him for a while I
decided to call him to see how he was doing. I didn't get him but was grateful
he still had the same number so I left him a message. As always I joked about
how I hoped the reason why I had not heard from him was because he was in a
relationship. He called me back later that day and casually dropped that he was
engaged. I was so excited for him and asked all the usual questions, who was
she? Where did they meet? Then he asked me “to
hold on, my fiancé wants to say hi.” Not knowing what to expect I said “ok.”
When she came on the line we exchanged pleasantries, well at least I
did, and I was in the middle of saying how much I was looking forward to
meeting her, when she interrupted me to say that was all well and good but she had
listened to the voice message I left her fiancé and she did not appreciate me
calling him darling. You could have knocked me out with a feather I was
so shocked. I told her “okay darling” and then quickly apologized
for the slip of the tongue and tried to explain that I didn't mean anything by calling
her darling. When she gave Todd back the phone, he proceeded
to invited me to come to his birthday celebration the next weekend. I had
initially said I would go, but later decided against it because I felt it was a
ploy to get me to come so that his fiancé could satisfy her curiosity about me.
After that my interactions with Todd was few and far in-between.
There were the occasional up-date phone calls and it was during one of those
calls that he shared with me that he had gotten married. It didn't sound like
he was too happy about it but then again he always sounded that way lately. Either way it was not my place to say. I continued to keep him in my circle of
friends. In fact last night after I posted my blog I sent out emails and text messages
to all my friends promoting it, Todd was included. I think my last text went out
at 2am this morning. I did not give it a second thought. I just figured folks
would get it when they woke up.
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This is like déjà vu for me. I experienced something similar a few years ago. In my case, I was the one who introduced my co-worker friend and this woman, who wound up being his wife. Nevertheless, I thought that something was wrong with me because I actually was only friends, nothing else. I believe, in our culture, if we become friends with someone, we take it seriously and will be there for him/her no matter what. We don't worry about what people think because we know there's nothing going on...no hanky panky. I found most females are threatened my this and is unsure how to categorize it. I've had a few other interactions of a similar nature from insecure females, however, only one has ever called. The others just give me the death stare or complain to one of my acquaintances, who eventually tell me. Well, I don't need the drama so I tend to leave folks alone. I'm sure you both will still be friends, just let him know you're there for him if he ever needs a friend...and leave the drama alone. You don't need the stress.
ReplyDeleteThanks Wilma S for your comment and your willingness to add validity to my experience. For a long time I felt there was something wrong with me as well but you are so correct. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We just have a healthy perspective on the friendships we have with the opposite sex. It is the female in their lives who have the insecurities with themselves and need to learn how to process those feelings a healthy positive way. Unfortunately some men do not know how to evoke those healthy positive feelings in their mate and instead chose to pull away from our friendship. You are also right when you say to just let him know I'm here for him if he ever needs a friend...and leave the drama alone. God knows I don't need the stress.)i(
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