How you doin'?

"How are you?" Seems like an innocent enough question right? Just about everywhere you go these days people are asking this question in response to or attached to a greeting. It’s almost like a programmed passing pleasantry. I mean, even Wendy Williams uses it as a tag line for her talk show – How you doin'? But what does it really mean? You walk into a store and the sales associate may say “Hello, how are you today?” as she passes by you with her hands full of sweaters or jeans on her way to her next task. Or you walk into work and a co-worker or your boss passes you as you get off the elevator and as they briefly shoot you a glance they may casually say hi and ask you how you are doing as they keep walking to wherever it was they were walking to. As a result you may not even reply because they have moved on without waiting for a response or if you do respond it’s the normal polite, “I’m good”, “I’m fine”, “okay” or some other similar reply.  You may even return the question out of politeness if you are lucky enough to hold their attention long enough or if they are still within ear shot. 

But have you ever stopped to think if they really cared to know how you are doing? I have and personally, I don’t think they do. Don’t believe me? Try this. The next time someone asks you how you are doing, especially someone you don’t really know, say something unexpected like, “Oh, I’m not doing so good.”  Share how you really feel - maybe you lost your job or you spent the night in the ER. Tell them and see what happens next.   If they have not walked off before you respond, check out their facial expression.

When I was working in retail, I remember observing the sale associates greeting the customers as they entered the store by saying hi and then asking them how they were doing. Most times than not they just brushed by the associate without saying a word. Other times they may offer an occasional smile, a wave or a rare “I’m good” response, but for the most part they just went about their business. It could be that the customer already knew that the associate really didn't care how they were doing and summed it up to just a mindless gesture no doubt implemented by management to make the customer feel welcomed. 

Or it could be that they were already conditioned by past experiences that this was just a mindless gesture that did not require a response because everyone ask but no one sticks around long enough for a response. Either way they don’t give the question a second thought.  At some point I suggested to the associates to change their greeting to just saying “Hi, welcome to Ashley Stewart.” It was a clean cut greeting which acknowledged the customer and there was no need for a response. It just seemed more appropriate and effective.

That takes care of that scenario, but what about your family and friends? Do you think they really care how you are doing? It seems like just about everyone has gotten so self-absorbed to the point that they don’t take the time to consider how anyone else is doing.  When I was growing up if someone asked you how you were doing, they asked because they really wanted to know so they stuck around to hear the answer and if you were anything less than ok, they actually listened to what your problem was and offered to help. If they could not help you personally they would find someone who could even if it meant referring you to the local church. One of the things I missed most after moving to Atlanta was the care/concern and support I got from my family. 

When I was younger, I lived in Watergut with my minor daughter and I remember lying in bed at nights waiting for my cousin Dahlia to call out to me when she was passing by on her way home. “Cuz, you sleep? You okay?” she would ask and I would shout back, “No, I’m good!” To which she would reply “okay, good night.” I grew accustomed to her nightly inquiry and would literally lay awake waiting for her familiar voice before I would drift off to sleep. It may not seem like much but it was comforting to know that someone cared enough to check on me every night. I have no doubt that if my response was anything else or if I needed to talk that she would indulge me. Equally as comforting was the fact that if I had a bad day I knew I could stop by my cousin Dahlia’s or my Aunt Olive’s place and I would be assured of two things, 1) I would get a hot plate of food; and 2) I would get a listening ear. They didn't have to offer any advice or feedback. Just the fact that I could unload was comforting enough. More importantly, I didn't have to call first – but that’s a whole other issue (lol).

Bottom-line is at some point when you ask someone how they are doing they may just tell you how they are doing. If you are not going to wait around for the answer or you really don’t care what the response is, then don’t ask the question. 

If you see someone in passing and you just want to be polite, then just say “hi” and keep it moving. If you feel like saying more than that, then instead of asking them how they are doing, why not just say “Have a nice day.” I’m just saying. I got issues – what about you? )i(

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