Relationship - The Quest Continues

I’m still hopeful that I will meet and marry the love of my life one day. In the meantime I’m still going through the elimination process. Just yesterday I was talking to a guy who was vying for my attention. He was trying to convince me to consider letting him into my world by telling me that he had always been attracted to me. Although I have known him since high school we had lost touch and only recently reconnected last month when I ran into him at a friend’s funeral.  As always, whenever a guy approaches me about being in my world I like to make sure that they are truly single and emotionally stable and emotionally available before I even think about taking them seriously. This time was no exception.  So when I asked him if he was single I was expecting a simple “yes” or “no”. However that was not what I got. What I got was, “yeah I’m single, but we going through some things.”  “Huh” I said out loud. “What does that mean? Either you’re in a relationship or you’re not.” He would try his best to clean that up but from what I gathered from his Freudian slip, he was still very much involved.

Although I have already made up my mind that he was not the one, I opted to keep the lines of communications open because that is my style. I don't just cut people off simply because there is no romantic interest. Besides there is no harm in remaining friends, which brings me back to the conversation we were having. During the conversation it became obvious to me that he had already made up his mind to keep pursuing me, despite my protest, with hopes that he could convenience me otherwise. What he does not know is once I make up my mind, there is no changing it. Not to toot my own horn or anything but, I already know that I am a desirable mate especially since I did my due diligence to use my past experiences as a learning tool/spring board to facilitate the qualities/attributes most men desire in a mate.   However, most men I meet do not possess the qualities I desire in a mate. Try as I might to spare his feelings he made me go there and I had to break it down to him using what little information I learned about him in the short period of time, as to why I would not be with him.

What I shared with him was this: I already know he does not possess the qualities I desire in a mate and the fact that he is still in a relationship only strengthens my case.  Even if he was not in a relationship I would still opt not to become involved with him. He exhibits classic/typical human behavior. Most people, when they see someone they are attracted to or want to be with, give little or no thought to whether or not they are compatible. They only think about what they want and the physical attraction or "lust" that they will no doubt convenience themselves later is love. That’s why most relationships don’t last past the physical. If you have a set of standards in place, i.e., things you want/expect in a relationship, coupled with your list of attributes you want your mate to possess, i.e., honesty, faithfulness – then you won’t settle for just anything that comes your way, especially if they don’t possess what you are looking for. You would also understand and accept the fact that you may not be what that person is looking for and won’t push the issue.  

The thing is most men are visual and I know you've heard me say that before, but I can’t overstate it enough because it is key to understanding my view on the subject. A man will see a woman he is physically attracted to and he will turn a deaf ear to her nagging or her resistance to his advances.  Or he could careless that she is already in a relationship because he wants her in his life. He gives no thought to the consequences of taking another man's woman or that she may just end up leaving him for another man should she decide to accept his advances.  Fact is he secretly hopes that she will only have eyes for him once they get involved. Likewise, a woman will see a man who does not possess all the attributes she is looking for but because he may have a good job, a nice home, and a nice car, she sees his potential to be the man she wants and so she gets involved with him because she feels she can groom him into the man she wants.

Both views are flawed and doomed to fail and I’ll tell you why. First off a good fulfilling relationship is based in part on compatibility. When two people are compatible there is a better chance that the issues that plague most relationship will be minimal. Secondly, people are who they are and don’t change especially when they get to be 40 plus. By the time they hit forty they are pretty much set in their ways and no amount of pushing is going to change them. So let’s say for instance, one of the things you want from your mate is that they be considerate of you, i.e., call when they are running late, check on you throughout the course of the day, or always tell you the truth about everything no matter what, but the person you are pursuing does none of those things no matter how many times you share with them how important those things are to you. Guess what? They ain't never going to do it because that is not who they are. People only change if they want to change. So the attributes or character flaws you are trying to instill/uproot in/out of them is futile if they don’t subscribe to the change them-self  If they care enough, they may try to change for you, but true to form they will revert back to their normal self because it is who they are. It’s why alcoholics and physical abusers make lousy mates – they don’t get help until they want to be helped no matter how well intended their spouse’s efforts. 

Then, unfortunately, there are those who will pretend to be what you are looking for because they desire to be with you. But again, like before, it will be short lived. So if the person you have your eyes on don't do the things you want or treat you the way you want to be treat from the word "go", it's not going to happen.  Quit wasting your time. It makes no sense to begin a relationship with someone you already know from the start that they are not a fit for you with the hopes that you can change them. If you do, you will end up resenting them and/or yourself for the duration of the relationship and sometime even after. Bottom-line is if you meet someone that does not possess the qualities, attributes or characteristics you desire in a mate, walk away. Nothing you do or say is going to make them change and you are signing up for months, if not years, of unhappiness.

So far, weeding out the counterfeits gets progressively easier every time for me because of the standards I have in place.  It doesn't happen very often, but there are times when it can be very difficult to walk away from someone because the physical/mental attraction is so strong and had I not have a system in place I probably would have ended up getting involved with them even though they don’t have the attributes or characteristics I desire. It never fails, after getting to know me guys are always asking if they can come to my house. Even if they never offer to take me out to dinner or a movie, they always ask if they can come to my house. So as a rule I never invite a guy to my house until I know for sure he is the one I want to be with. Okay, I must admit that this rule originally came about years ago more so as a protective mechanism because I did not want to expose my children to strange men more so than me weeding out unfit suitors.  But regardless of why I put it in place it has proven to be very effective and beneficial to me over the years. 

So far I have not had the pleasure of inviting a guy to my house since my divorce because guys don’t get it no matter how many ways I explain it to them and they usually lose interest, which I guess proves my point. They take it personal that I won't invite them over and may even become offended instead of trying to see it from my point of view. I can’t help but think that one of the things about me that is attractive to them – that I don’t let just any and anybody into my home – is the same thing that turns them away.  I just wish that they understood my position, but somehow I believe that when I run into the right guy he will not only respect my decision to not have him over until we are in a committed relationship but he will encourage it.  One guy that I really liked recently told me, “You've been over to my house 50 times, but I can’t even drive down your street.” He was exaggerating of course about the number of times I was over to his place, but I got his point. What he does not know is that his place is the only place I've spent any time at. Unfortunately, he was not willing to stay the course. Little does he know, he was so close to getting an invite. Oh well, next! I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i(

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