Listening vs Hearing

Never thought I would hear myself say this, but one of the greatest qualities a person can possess is the art of listening. When I was growing up, and even into my adult life, my mother always made a big stink about me not listening to her. I didn't get it then and I was very confused when she would say, “you not listening.” She would go on to say that my not listening could cost me my life one day.  I would just think, to myself of course, “I don’t know what she talking about because I hear her just fine.” Besides, how she know I was not listening, especially since I was looking directly at her? Guess it was because I didn't always do what she asked me to do or because she had to tell me the same things over and over again.  Thinking back, I actually thought hearing and listening were one of the same. It took some doing but I finally understood what she was trying to teach me. Hearing is just that, the ability to hear sounds and words/audible waves, but listening involved hearing, understanding what you heard, coupled with the ability to retain and utilize it. By so doing you are able to make decisions based on what you have heard. Sounds simple enough, right? But for many, myself included, it takes work to be able to master that small feat. 

For the mass majority listening is an art form for which they have yet to master. Think about it – when you are engaged in conversation with someone how many times do you have to repeat yourself before they get what you are trying to share with them? Or how many times do you find yourself having to recount the same things to someone days, weeks, or even months after you had that initial conversation? I bet you too have trouble recalling half the conversations you engaged in or the details of the conversation if prompted. That is because for most of us, we are too busy trying to analyze why they are saying what they said, personalizing it and/or formulating a response.   The truth is unless it is your story or your issue you really don’t feel the need to retain anything other people tell you. 

That is unless you have a vested interest or think it makes for great gossip. As I think about it, there have been times when I would call an office/business and the very first thing I do is introduce myself, yet it never fails that the person on the other line will ask me my name again. Sometimes to be efficient, I would even go as far as to share the reason for my call in the beginning in an attempt to speed up the process, but as sure as I am of my name they will ask me the nature of my call, again. I used to get so frustrated when that happens, but now I just chop it up for what it is – they were not listening.

Just today I called a local agency in an attempt to get information on the status of my case. I figured in the interest of time I would give the lady who answered the phone a brief rundown of my situation so she can tell me what the status was.  She cut me off midway to ask for my social security number to which I happily gave it.  After that frustration set in as she proceeded to ask me questions which had she been listening she would have realized that I had already shared the answers at the beginning of my call.  So much for trying to manage my frustration by calling it what it is.  Turns out it does not get any less frustrating knowing that the person you are talking to is just not listening. I would venture to say it is even more frustrating. The thing is I don’t think it is so much that she didn't listen to me per se in the beginning, but rather that she probably has her own little routine which included pulling up my records on her computer and don’t know how to multi-task. That’s all well and good, however it would have been nice if she had just asked me to hold on while she did what she needed to get to where she needed to get to. No I take that back, she really was not listening.

There are actually a lot of other reasons why people may not retain the information they hear but the most plausible one is their failure to listen. My all-time favorite is those people who call trying to get me to donate to their cause. You know the ones, Paternity of Police Officers, the fire department, or some other charity. They always have a knack for calling at the most inopportune times, i.e., when I’m just stepping in/out the shower, getting ready to leave the house, or when I’m watching my favorite TV show. I tell them right off the back that I’m not interested but they continue like I didn't say anything, almost like they are a recording. Then I get a little more forceful and I share my mother’s words with them, “you are not listening” just before I repeat my situation to them again, which at times may include unemployment status. 

Then they say something like, “I understand what you are saying. A lot of people are affected by the economy that’s why we offer an opportunity to donate on a smaller level.” This is where I usually lose it and I have to tell them about themselves.  It usually starts with my telling them. "I know you are reading a script but you need to listen to what I am saying" and ends with one of us hanging up. More times than not they are the ones doing the hanging up.

If someone feels the need to engage you in conversation the least you can do is pay attention, listen to what they have to say, and respond appropriately. If the phone rings and you know you are not in a position to really listen to the caller then let it go to voice-mail, then you can call them back when you have the time to really listen to what they have to say.  Nobody wants to feel like they are wasting their breath.  You do yourself, and others, a great injustice if you don’t take time to listen, which may be evident by your need to constantly ask them to repeat what they said. It took me a while to get what my mother was trying to teach me oh so long ago about the importance of listening, but I got it now. Old folks used to say, “Who don’t hear/listen will feel.” Meaning if you don’t listen to counsel from your parents, you are bound to learn from experience which may have far reaching consequences.  It also means that if you keep messing up you will no doubt get an ass whooping. Get enough ass whippings and you will eventually get what they are trying to teach you if for no other reason but to avoid getting your ass whooped. 

One of the things my mother shared with me when I was growing up that really stuck is the ability to take away something positive from even negative comments/criticisms - by turning them into lessons learned. When she was a little girl growing up in Antigua, they were very poor. One day she was wearing this real nice dress, don't know where or how she came by it and that's not important. What is important is that someone paid her a complement by saying her dress was very pretty, to which her neighbor responded, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Don't worry, that too soon going to be in bedding." What the neighbor was saying/implying is that my mom/family did not take care of things. So it was only a matter of time before her dress would end up as mattress stuffing or discarded. My mom said that comment stayed with her way into her adult life and instead of getting mad or offended, she took the wisdom out of it and applied it to her life to the point where she always took care of anything she owned to ensure it last a long time.  I never really made the connection until now, but I now realize that, without even knowing why, I too inherited/adopted my mom's view on preserving my possessions no matter what it was. I recall hearing my mom saying several times during my childhood that if you take care of the things you have you won't go broke replacing them. To that end I have things that are over 30 years old and they still are in pristine condition.  My mom is full of lots of wise sayings, many of which I have taken heed and incorporated into my life. I've found that experience is the mother of all teachings. However, not listening/learning from those experiences is why some people end up with regrets, i.e., the wrong choice in a spouse, get speeding tickets, lost relationships, or even lose court cases. Fortunately for me, I finally got the art of listening down to a science and practice it every day. My life is so much easier because of it. My ability to hear, comprehend, and utilize the information to implement good life changing decisions is priceless. My mother should be so proud. Now if other people would just get it, my life would be even better. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i(

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