He Said She Said - Avoiding the Pitfall

As I've gotten older, very little people do pisses me off anymore. However, there is one thing that still gets to me – it’s when people accuse me of doing or saying things that I didn't do or say. Like the other day I got a call from a male friend who just got back from a trip. The conversation started off with pleasantries then he asked if I knew someone called "Jill". My first response was "no" but as he repeated the name I flipped through my mental friend/acquaintance list and came up with one possibility. I threw the full name at him including some known aliases and he confirmed we were speaking of the same person.  Oddly enough “Jill” had opted to end our friendship of three years after an incident involving her nephew and a car situation last year – he sold me a lemon and refused to refund my money. I had reached out to her hoping she could convince him to give me back my money, but she refused, saying she didn't want “to get involved” even though she was the one who referred me to him.  Fortunately for me the facts were stacked up against him and the situation worked out in my favor thus allowing me to recover my money.

Anyway, I was a bit confused as to why her name would come up as I had no idea he knew her. My friend seemed a bit hesitant to proceed so I encouraged him to just spit it out. I must confess I was very curious as to why he would ask if I knew her.  After some prompting he revealed that somehow this "Jill" person had connected with his wife and shared a lot of information about their marriage that she allegedly claimed came from me.

 Instantly I was pissed off. First because I had no recollection of discussing him or his wife with this person let alone their marriage.  Yes it is possible that she saw a picture of him and his wife in my home and I may have shared who they were if she asked me, but to gossip the ins and outs of their marriage let alone divulge information he had shared with me in confidence, didn't happen. He said a lot but it was more of what he didn't say that spoke volume as to the motive behind this unsolicited exchange of information. The more he talked the more I was convinced that this was just a ploy by his wife to stir up some mess to cause discord in our friendship.  

Truth is his wife did not approve of our friendship and she may even feel threatened because she did not understand the nature of the friendship.  I tried to explain to her that our friendship was strictly platonic as he was a friend of my daughter. However she could not wrap her brain around that concept. If she had only taken the time to get to know me she would realize that I have certain standards and moral values which prevents me from becoming romantically involved with ex-lovers of any female in my circle regardless of the relationship, i.e., aunt, sister, cousin, daughter, etc.

My friend also shared that his wife claimed that this ex-friend of mines threw me under the bus in the worst way by revealing everything and anything she knew about me. It’s important that you know that this was a person that I had opened my home to, confided in, and trusted. How could she turn on me like this especially when the termination of the friendship was based on her decision over actions done to me by her nephew and not a direct result of our interactions? While this revelation upset me, I was mature enough to see it for what it was – an attempt by my friend’s wife to discredit me as a friend thus hoping to destroy our friendship.  

Truth is all she really did was strengthen the friendship as well as reminded me that no matter how strong I think my friendships are, they all have the potential to end badly as well as leaving me vulnerable to my business being exposed. The fact of the matter is that not everyone is mature enough to resist the urge to create havoc after a friendship ends. The need to resort to childish mudslinging tactics is sometimes too much for them to resist. While I have enough to do some “mudslinging’ of my own, I opted not to stoop to their level. All I can do is pray that in time those that chose to walk away from my friendship, then attempt to hurt me with their words, will become mature enough to appreciate what a great friend I was to them. In the meantime I will continue to be a great friend to the people currently in my circle and pray they are mature enough not to turn on me should the friendship end.

While I’m tempted to guard my heart with all diligence to the point where I “trust no one”, “confide in no one”, and “reveal nothing to anyone”, I have to remember that the vast majority of my friendships span over three decades and are built on mutual trust.  Besides, I can’t let just one person out of a few who chose to try and hurt me after the friendship ended to mess it up for the countless others who reveres me as a great friend.  My track record shows that I am a great friend – loyal, reliable, trustworthy, and dependable. At one point I had to remind myself that I have no control over the people in my circle or what they choose to do with the information they have acquired about me.  All I can do is continue to live my life the best way I know how and that includes being the best friend I know how to be because at the end of the day, the only person I have control over is me and the only true testament I have to the type of friend I am is how I choose to conduct myself during the friendship as well as long after the friendship ends.  I may still get a little pissed off when people lie on me, but I can chose to not let it change me. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i( #IGotIssues #Friendship #Gossip #Loyalty 

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