Dating: It’s Them Not You

The other day I was having a candid conversation with a male friend over the phone. Somehow the conversation shifted to him saying things like “you’re so articulate and intelligent” and “I like talking to you cause you’re funny” among other flattering things about my physical appearance, etc. Truth is, I was not sure where he was going. I thought perhaps he was hitting on me – lol. Then he asked the dreaded question, “So why are you still single?” I was a little taken aback by his question. As I mentioned before I was not sure where the conversation was heading. I thought “was this a loaded question or is he genuinely concerned about the state of my love life?” I decided to believe the latter, however I had to think about it for a minute. After all, I’ve only been single like for “forever” and it’s not for a lack of trying. Sure I desired to be in a fulfilling relationship, but it just hasn’t happened yet. And yes, I’ve had a couple of "false" starts where the guy appeared to be “into me” but that quickly went south once their true intentions were revealed.

Truth be told, there are literally thousands of single people out here who are having a hard time connecting with “the one”, but they are still hoping to find a meaningful relationship. I have also discovered that there are just as many people out here who are "less than truthful" with a potential mate and are in fact playing games with people’s feelings.  While lots of dating sites promote opportunities for singles to find love on their site, some fail to tell you that you should proceed at your own risk because the profiles on their site may or may not be true/fake. Personally I’ve come across my share of “fake” profiles where the pictures were fake, their gender was fake, and even their status of being “single” was also fake.  I’ve since become an "expert" on recognizing such profiles and steer clear of them totally. But let’s forget about on-line dating sites for now. Instead, let’s focus on the folks you may meet at a bar, club, or family gathering. Quite frankly, you have just as much chance of running into a fake “profile” at any one of these venue as you would on-line.

Truth is, it is just as challenging to make a connection with someone you meet in person as it is someone on-line. Scenario one: You meet someone at a public venue and you instantly click. Feels like you’ve known each other for years because the chemistry is so strong. I mean you share similar interest and like just about all the same things. You like them and they apparently like you so you start pursuing something. After about a month of “good morning/gnite babe” text and frequent phone calls, you notice that text and phone calls become less and less and eventually stops. You call/text asking “what’s up?” but get no response for about two weeks. Then one day out of the blue you get a “good morning babe” text like nothing happened. 

Scenario two: Met same way as above but maybe instead you were hot and heavy for two months then one day your call to him get sent to voicemail. You figure he saw you calling and will call you back, but he doesn’t. Now you are confused because you don’t know what happened. It’s not like you had an argument which would account for the cold shoulder. Just when you figured you will never hear from him again, you get a phone call from him. You’re even more confused because he’s acting like he just spoke to you yesterday. In both scenarios it’s possible that he has someone else on the hook and you are just a “side thing”. Of course there can also be tons of other reasons why the connection did not work out, ie., he is not financially stable and cannot afford to date and may be embarrassed that he can’t afford to wine and dine you – to which I say, “don’t put yourself out there if you can’t afford to”; he may feel he is not well endowed – to which I say, “it’s a muscle, the more you play with it the bigger it gets”; or he may just be intimidated by you/your success - to which i say, "get over it." No matter the reason, nothing beats the truth and there is never any good excuse for ignoring someone for whom you claim to have feelings.  Being truthful builds credibility and shows good character. However, in our scenarios above your attempts to get a straight answer as to what is going on proved to be futile as he keeps evading the question. You may get all kind of responses including “I’m feeling overwhelmed” or “I was not ready for a relationship”. You wonder to yourself, “didn’t he know that when we met?”  

Honestly? He did, but he knew that if he came at you honestly about just wanting a "hook up", you would not have given him the time of the day. So he lied about wanting what you wanted so he can get what he really wanted, which was to bed you. There are probably more women out here looking for a meaningful relationship than there are those who are looking for just a hook up. But it's hard to know which is which right off the bat. To find out for sure, they will have to invest some time and possibly some money to discover the hook up ones and sometimes that can take months. That’s the risk some men are not willing to take, so they lie about their intentions knowing fully well that you probably want more.  I have no doubt that there are women out there who would not turn down a hook up, but men have not yet devised a method to identify those women right from the start so they play games to get what they want and give no thought to how their actions will affect the women who want more.  I’m equally sure that there are men out there who are looking for a meaningful relationship as well and their encounters may be just as nightmarish. The challenge, for both men and women who looking for a relationship, is finding someone who also wants one.

I’m convinced that there are some men and women who are just looking for the physical and not so much a relationship, but instead of coming clean from the beginning, they string the other person along making them think they want the same things knowing fully well that is not the case. What they fail to realize is that karma is a bitch and what they give they will eventually get back. It is very unfair for them to prey on unsuspecting people knowing that they have no desire to be in a relationship especially when they already know the person wants more than what they are willing to give. The thing to remember is that their dishonesty says more about their character than it does about your trusting nature. No one likes to have their emotions toyed with and there are some who take great offense when that happens. To that end, there are those who have taken matters into their own hands and unleash a slue of revenge tactics on the offender, some more extreme than others. Then there are those (like myself) who prefer another approach. They silently wait for karma to have it's way and avenge them because all deeds, regardless of the intent, are rewarded - good with good and bad with bad. This is a preferred method that ensure their hands/aura remains "clean"- so to speak. Whatever the method chosen, it can never truly provide a sense of satisfaction or erase the hurt that was inflicted by the predator.

Dating is not an exact science and it will probably take some time for you to find what you really want. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs in the process, but if you make a list of exactly what you are looking for then you will recognize the ones who fall short of your standards and thus reduce the amount of frogs you have to kiss. The challenge is not to lose your dignity and self-respect in the process. So if you meet someone who appears to be into you, give it a few months before you take it to the next level (and be sure to make it crystal clear exactly what you expect from them so there can be no misunderstanding). That may or may not weed out the fakes, but it will give you some time to get to see the real them. I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i(

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Take Back Your Power – Be Happy

For way too long I’ve been guilty of seeking my happiness from external sources. It’s so liberating when you rediscover that your happiness lies within you. Your happiness is not in a lover, your children, a job, or even your friends. It is within you and only you. I know sometimes we get pulled into things that make us feel that this is the source of our happiness. i.e., a romantic relationship, a new job, a new car, winning the lottery, etc. but it’s really not. It just seems like it is. Because it makes you feel good, but that feeling will dissipate just as quickly as it came because it was an external stimuli.  You are the only one who can determine if you’re happy based on your external stimuli. If you only allow your happiness to be determined by external stimuli, then you run the risk of only being happy for as long as that experience last. Then you go back to being unhappy until the next external experience occurs. Because of that your bout of happiness may be like a rollercoaster ride and that can be exhausting.

If your happiness is based strictly on external stimuli, then it could also be diminished when your self-worth is not validated by external experiences.  There may be times when your best effort will go un-noticed and your value diminished in the eyes of others because they are too blind to recognize/see your worth or the value you bring to their life.  As people continue to ignore your value and self-worth you become depressed and unhappy and may seek for ways to encourage people to validate you thus restore your happiness. Again, this can be exhausting as well as time consuming. This emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows becomes like a full-time job that pays you dividends in bouts of short lived happiness that will eventually take its toll on you both physically as well as mentally. The dependence on external stimuli to maintain your level of happiness is not the best way to manage your happiness. You need to find ways to stimulate your happiness from within. 

Truth is the best kind of happiness is one that comes from within. Happiness generated from internal stimuli is one that is not dependent on anyone or anything outside of you. It is a feeling of self-worth and self-appreciation that consistently causes you to smile for apparently no reason. It is overall approval of who you are and needs no external validation to promote or ignite a feeling of good feeling. In fact, when you are truly happy from within, external stimulus only serves to enhance your experience of happiness. 

So how do you uncover your internal happiness? I’m glad you asked. First, take some time to evaluate yourself. Look at all the things that makes you YOU. Make a list if you need to in order to help you have a visual of what that looks like. Write down all your great qualities – all the things you like about yourself. Include all your blessings too – things that are going well for you. Have a sense of self-worth and feel good about yourself, by so doing you gain confidence and increase your self-esteem. You may run into a few mental road blocks that may include how people make you feel. Don’t list those. The trick is to keep reminding yourself that no one else’s opinion of you matters unless you chose to give it validity. How someone treats you is not a reflection on you or your value but a revelation of who they truly are and a reflection of them.

The truth is most times than not people don’t feel good about who they are and are unhappy with themselves and they project those feelings on you. The ugly truth is that the only way they can feel good about themselves is to degrade others in an attempt to elevate their own self-worth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met people who pretend to be someone other than their true self. But eventually they drop the persona and their true self is revealed.   If people cannot accept you for who you are and continue to feel the need to devalue you to make themselves feel better, then they should not have a place in your life. Quite making people’s opinion of you dictate the way you feel, live or love. Take back your power and rediscover the happiness that is in you. Your only job/focus should be to feel good if not great everyday despite what is going on around you.  I’m just saying – I got issues. What about you?)i(